


Life

by Sunnygalaxy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Evan make up with Jared and Alana., Everyone being 3 dimensional characters., Friendship, Heidi being the best mom, M/M, My first fic in english, Suicidal Thoughts, basically the story of Evan and Jared as they grow up., so go easy on me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2018-12-08 09:41:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 34,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11643891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunnygalaxy/pseuds/Sunnygalaxy
Summary: "Jared, darling, this is my friend Heidi and her son. He's going to be a new student in your class.”And that was it.That was the beginning of everythingJared was almost eight when Evan burst into his life and he had no idea that the boy with a striped shirt would change his life forever.





	1. Nice to meet you, freak.

**Author's Note:**

> LET ME EXPLAIN MYSELF.  
> So, first of all. Hi. My name is Sol and this is my first fic here, on AO3, so that's exciting.  
> The not so exciting part is that this is my first fic written in english. Is actually pretty scary... yeah... Im terrified.  
> I tried my best, And I promise im gonna improved while as the fic progress. Im Probably gonna get help for some friends, so dont worry.  
> Im mostly writing this because. First, I freaking love DEH, and Kleinsen has such an interesting dynamic. And Second because I really want to practise my english.  
> So, that set apart, let me talk about the fic. Is gonna have approximately 15 chapters. And each chapter is gonna a be about diferente keys moments in the life of Jared and Evan.  
> Yeah... Hope you like it!

Jared was seven and a half when Evan Hansen burst into his life. The boy appeared one afternoon at his house accompanied only by his mother.

_"Jared, this is my friend Heidi and her son. He's going to be a new student in your class, and we thought that it would be a good idea that you two could meet each other before school starts.”_

Jared looked at his mother with a frown. _"Did I really interrupt my videogame for this?"_ He was on the last level and needed all his concentration, but nevertheless he was there, face to face with a boy taller than him, with sandy hair, blue eyes, chubby face and a nervous smile.

Jared watched his mother again. What was he supposed to say? The woman just smiled at him in that way Jared knew so well. _"Behave yourself"_

Frustrated, Jared saw the boy in front of him again and held out his hand.

"Nice to meet you ... I'm Jared."

He couldnt believe it. His mother had arranged a playdate for him. He was seven years old! He was a big boy.

“Eva ...”  The boy reached out his hand, but almost immediately he drew it back again, wiping the obvious sweat on his shirt. Then, with an even more nervous smile, he shaked hands with Jared awkwardly.. "E-Evan."

“Okey ... Evan.”

"They're adorable," Heidi said with such enthusiasm that Jared wondered if she was forcing it.

"Yes, they are," agreed Jared's mother. "What if you two go into the living room while Jared and I bring you something to drink?"

Heidi quickly accepted with a warm smile on her lips. Evan stared at the ground but nodded swiftly.

His mother took him to the kitchen and once there she made sure that the guests were far enough away so they couldn’t hear the conversation that was about to take place. Jared could bet all his action figures that his mother would give him a long and totally boring talk.... He wasn’t so wrong.

"I don’t want to be his friend." It was the first thing that came out of the boy's mouth when his mother turned to look at him. His fists were tight and his gaze was defiant. He knew that was the only way his mother would take him seriously.

“Just be good to him, okay? Heidi and I are very good friends and after she told me everything that she and Evan went through ... It would really help him to know that someone of his age is there for him. You know? Especially now that he is new at the school.”

Jared had no idea why his mother was telling him all that. It was not like he cared. His game was still paused, waiting for him at his room, and that was the only really relevant thing in the child's mind.

"I do not want to be his friend," Jared repeated slowly, gritting his teeth.

"Jared! Just ... please.”

For a second the boy's anger ceased. His mother looked desperate and tired at the same time. She never asked for things that way, in that tone of voice, with those eyes that almost gave the impression of imploring for Jared cooperation. It was then when he began to consider sharing at least one evening with Evan. Maybe they could even get along…

"Besides, it wouldn’t do you any harm to have some company at school."

Scratch that. Jared was not going to consider anything at all.

"What do you mean?" He asked defensively, crossing his arms.

“Don’t start. You know it's hard for you to make friends.”

"It's not my fault if all my classmates are dumb.”

Jared didn’t call his classmates “dumb” when he was alone. His vocabulary was broad when it came to insults. Courtesy of his father. Whenever there was an important game on television the man couldn’t contain the verbiage of curses coming out of his mouth. His mother usually tried to calm him down, to keep Jared from repeating those things, but once he heard them, the insults remained inside the child's head forever.

"Honey ... I'm just saying it wouldn’t hurt to start this new school year with a potential friend.”

“I don’t need him. I'm fine.”

That was a huge lie. But the boy tried to convince himself that it wasn’t like that, that he really didn’t mind eating alone at lunchtime. Because, after all, Jared was not a pathetic introverted nerd. Definitely not.

No, Jared was a special case.

Small eyes that his square glasses helped to highlight, huge and uneven teeth, low stature even for his age, round face and greasy dark brown hair, Jared could easily be the typical target of all the jokes in the room. And sometimes he was. But not on a daily basis at all; and everything was due to his insufferable personality. Jared could shatter someone's confidence with just a couple of sarcastic comments. It was great to have that kind of power over people. And he was only seven! Okay, to be fair, his big mouth had gotten him into trouble more than once, coming home with a pair of shattered glasses. Surely it was at that moment that his mother began to worry seriously about the social life of his son. Jared didn’t know how to make her understand that he didn’t want her to get into his business. It was much better to attack before being attacked, and even though he was completely alone, at least he wasn’t being bullied by the jerks of the class _every single day_. As long as things didn’t get worse for him, then Jared would be satisfied with his social life.

"Son." His mother bent down so that her eyes were on her child's level. "Please. For me, okay? Just be nice to Evan.... If you want we can go to the cinema this weekend and watch that horror movie that you like so much.”

"But you said I couldn’t ..."

"I know what I said. But I'm willing to go anyway if you do this for me.”

That was the first time _of very few_ that his mother actually offered him something in return for being nice with Evan. However, and because Jared was not the kind of person who could express his feelings at all, as he and Evan grew up, the boy could not help but lie and tell the other one that his mother was _constantly_ threatening him with punishing him if he wasn’t his friend.

Jared was an asshole and he knew it, even when he was only seven years old.

“Okay…”

His mother hugged him fleetingly with a smile of victory on her lips.

"But he is weird," Jared pointed out.

"Evan is not weird; he is just another lonely boy who needs help.”

Jared didn’t insist. If he kept asking his mother stuff, she would start talking about psychology, and other things that he didn’t understand or care to understand.  Jared didn’t get how his mother helped so many people talking about such things. If he were one of her patients he would fall asleep in a matter of seconds.

After a few minutes, her mother returned to the living room with a tray full of drinks in her hands. Jared followed her closely.

Heidi and Evan were sitting on one of the sofas talking quietly. Jared wondered if Evan was having the same conversation with his mother that he had had with his mom a few moments ago.

“Here we go. If you want something to eat don’t hesitate to tell us.”

"Oh no, we're fine for now, I think... Evan Do you want something to eat, honey?”

Heidi looked at her son, who was extremely close to her, almost sinking in the sofa, as if he wanted to disappear. The boy looked at his mother and flatly denied.

"We're fine." Heidi repeated.

"So, Evan, tell me. Excited to start a new school?” Jared's mother asked, placing a glass of lemonade in front of everyone as she took a seat in front of the guests.

"Uh ... I ..." Evan looked at his mother and Jared noticed how the boy's cheeks began to turn pink. “Y-Yes.”

Both women smiled warmly and comfortingly at the boy, but Jared just stood there looking him up and down _. "Wow, this kid sure is weird."_ He thought.

"Do you like video games, Evan?"

Jared looked at his mother with a frown. What was the question about? And besides ... What was going on? Why did it seem like the whole meeting revolved around the boy in the striped shirt and blue eyes? Jared hated when people ignored him ... Yeah, ironic feeling considering that he was the lone wolf of his class.

"Unfortunately he doesn’t have videogames. They're ridiculously expensive!" Heidi commented and Jared noticed the guilt reflected in the woman's eyes. If he, a seven-year-old boy, could see that guilty, it was for sure that his mother, a professional psychologist, would have seen it from miles away. That wasn’t good. If her mother felt sorry for Heidi and Evan then that meant she could say some stupidity like...

"Oh, Jared has some. We would be glad to invite Evan to come to play whenever he wants to.”

_Why do you hate me, Mom?_

"Actually..." She smiled brightly and turned to see her son, sitting beside her "Why don’t you take Evan to your room and play for a while?"

The expectant eyes of three people settled on Jared and the child couldn’t fight the social pressure. He nodded slowly, forcing a smile.

Pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, Jared got up from the couch and made his way toward the stairs, motioning for Evan to follow him.

As he climbed the steps, he could barely hear the other boy´s footsteps. Once at his room, Jared let himself dropped to the floor, resting his back on the bed. That was his typical position when playing video games.

"I have several, but I was playing one before you came, and I can’t just close it now or I'm going to lose all my progress, and that would be a pain in the ass." The boy in glasses explained extremely fast, as he took his prized control again.

“I-It's fine.”

Two words, "Continue" and "Exit", shone on the television screen. They blinked at an annoying rhythm, and Jared was ready to press "Continue" on the second he had sat on the floor, but the fact that Evan was still there, standing in the doorway of his room, made him nervous.

“You don’t have to stay there. Come in already.”

Evan, who was observing everything around him, returned to reality once Jared spoke to him.

“I’m so sorry.” He said quickly.

Jared watched silently as Evan took a few uncertain steps toward him. He looked like a frightened animal.

“What’s wrong with you?”  Jared said, unable to contain a mocking chuckle.

"I’m s-sorry. I..."

“Forget it. Just sit on my bed and watch me kill all these zombies." The boy replied with a bold smile.

Jared hit the "Continue" button while feeling how Evan sat on his bed at his left. The zombies started to attack the Jared ´s character and the boy began to press the buttons fiercely as he moved back and forth whispering curses of all kind.

 

Evan remembered crying two hours earlier. He really didn’t want to leave his house. But Nancy, her psychologist at the time, believed it was a good idea for him to start making friends, and her mother agreed completely.

Evan?

Well, he wasn’t so sure.

But no matter how much he begged his mother, the woman was determined to take him to her friend Helen's house. The truth was that Evan hadn’t been outside the house for nearly a month, and the situation was beginning to worry Nancy and her mother.

Evan cried in the shower. Evan cried while his mother dressed him. Evan cried as they walked through the front door. Evan cried in the car.

It was not until her mom parked and tried to calm him down, that Evan began to regain his usual breathing. "I promise we'll leave soon, Okay?" Her mother said kindly as she wiped her child's tears tenderly. "Come here, big boy." She hugged him tight and kissed him on the forehead. "I love you so much. I just want you to be happy."

"I know mom." Evan whispered, not breaking the embrace yet. Too scared to let go of his mother.

"If you don’t feel comfortable, you just have to tell me and we'll leave"

And Evan agreed. Because it was his mother and he trusted her.

The boy didn’t know what to expect. His mother had told him about the Kleinman family. Especially about Jared. She talked a lot about Jared. So Evan was a little nervous to finally meet them.

Helen looked nice, but too ... happy? She talked to him and asked him questions, and Evan didn't want to be talked to or answered any question. He just wanted to disappear.

And then there was Jared. Jared Kleinman.

The boy seemed to be always upset about something. " _Maybe it's my fau_ lt" Evan thought more than once.

When Helen and her son went to the kitchen, Evan asked his mom if Jared hated him.

"Of course not. Why do you say that, honey?"

“Because he doesn't look happy.”

“Maybe he is having a bad day? But even then, is not your fault.” Evan wasn't so sure, but decided to keep silence.

After that, Helen and Jared returned to the living room, and Helen began to talk about video games. Evan didn't want to talk about that stuff. He didn't have any videogame.  Not because he didn't want to. But his mother always said the same thing "They are so expensive. I’m sorry, love."

“Oh, Jared has some. We would be glad to invite Evan to come to play whenever he wants to. Actually… why don’t you take Evan to your room and play for a while?"

So they went to Jared room. Evan couldn’t be more terrified. He hated being separated from his mom, especially in new places, and with new people. But he followed Jared anyway because he was a nice boy who was too scared to say no.

Also. He really wanted to play some videogames.

But Jared started playing on his own. So Evan sat on the other kid bed and waited for his turn. And waited, and waited... and waited.

Evan stood there, watching everything in silence, impressed by Jared's vocabulary and knowing that he could never say half of those things. He felt uncomfortable, in an unfamiliar environment with strange people, but there was also a certain climate of tranquility. Helen, his mother's friend, had been very good to him. But Jared? Not so much. And still, the fact that the boy wasn’t trying to make him feel comfortable, in a strange, twisted way, reassured Evan. At least he wasn’t making Jared uncomfortable. On the contrary, the boy seemed to not even notice Evan's presence as he shot with an admirable aim all the zombies that crossed his path. If Jared was distracted with something else – _like videogames_ \- then Evan didn’t have to think about what to say or do, so the situation wouldn’t become awkward. That was a relief.

"Take that! shitheads! Die! Die! Die!!!”

"Jared Kleinman!"

Helen Kleinman's voice came from the first floor of the house. Evan didn’t know whether to laugh or be worry.

"Sorry, Mom!" Jared didn’t even look away from the screen to shout his apologies to his mother. A mocking expression adorned his face.

"You say so many insults." Evan murmured, wishing it didnt sound so pathethic. 

The boy replied with a shrug. "Yes, new weapon!" He exclaimed as his character took a machine gun. “You never swear?”

Evan took his time to reply, almost pretending to be trying to remember. The true was that he knew the answer very well.

“I d-don’t think so…”

Jared laughed again in that mocking way but this time more openly, and Evan could see the videogame reflected in his glasses.

"You’re _sooo_ weird.”

Evan pursed his lips and went silent.

Nothing happened after that. Jared kept playing for at least fifteen minutes while Evan watched the screen. From time to time, his eyes wandered around the room. Extremely messy, with Star Wars posters on the walls, action toys neatly placed on a shelf, books on the floor, dirty clothes on the bed and a collection of video games under the TV. _The typical kid room_. Evan thought, feeling horrible for not even having half of those things in his own room.

When his mother called them, Jared paused the game and looked at the time on his wristwatch.

"Shit, is this late? I guess it took me longer than I thought to pass that level.”

Evan waited for the "Sorry" that logically would have to come after that sentence; but never came. Jared simply stood up, stretching himself in the process and watched him from behind his square glasses. Evan was not sure, but he thought he recognized that Jared's green eyes had some brown on them. The kid didn’t know why he noticed that, but he thought it was cool. His blue eyes seemed ordinary for once.

“The next time I’ll let you play.” Jared commented with a neutral tone of voice, as he turned off the TV. "But you have to promise not to ruin my perfect score."

“Uh ... I ... Um ... Maybe it's not a good idea ...”

"Oh God, you're a lost case, aren’t you? We will have to start with easy levels, then. Baby steps.”

Evan said nothing, just nodded, his hands playing with the hem of his shirt.

When they went down to the first floor their mothers were there, waiting for them. The question came quickly.

“Did you have fun?”

“Yes. Evan just needs a little practice.”

Evan was amazed at how easy it was for Jared to lie. Frightened, but amazed.

If someone had told Evan Hansen at that moment, that almost eight years later he would be responsible for ruining that rare relationship with Jared by saying the biggest lie ever told, the boy would never have believed it.


	2. First day of school

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second chapter is here!! I'm still pretty nervous about this whole of writing in english, but as you know, I'm doing my best. And your support means the world! So thank you so much!

Jared adjusted his backpack better. The books weighed a ton and it was just the first day of school.

His father wished him good luck while his mother took the car keys. She would take him to school, even after repeated discussions with her son.

_"I can take the bus! If the other kids see me arrive with my mom they will laugh at me. "_

_"But it will be only for the first day! Stop being so dramatic, Jared. "_

Helen honked the car's horn and Jared came back to reality. That wasn’t going to be a good day.

"Change your face, sweetie. You’ll see! This year everything is going to be so much better." Said his mother, watching him in the rearview mirror with a huge smile on his lips.

“Sure, mom.” The boy answered as sarcastically as he could, as he closed the car door and started to put on his seat belt.

She started the car, a really nice Honda, but Jared couldnt remember the model. It was grey, big and shiny, and his parents were really happy about it, so the kid was happy about the car too.  They wanted to buy another one, though. Just for his mom. Jared couldn’t care less... but if they bought a car, the boy wanted it to be red. I big red car. Yeah, that would be so cool.

But he would still want to go to school by bus.

It wasn't like he desperately wanted to share the trip to school with his classmates. But Jared knew better. If he didn’t do that kind of ... _ritual_ , everyone would start mocking him, and the boy really didn’t feel like it, at least not when it could be easily avoided. But his _mother_ … well, she just couldn't understand it for some reason.

The car took a turn onto a street where Jared had never been before. The boy gazed at his mother, confused. For some reason she was taking a different road to the school, but, oddly enough, the woman seemed to know exactly where they were heading.

Finally, his mother parked the car right in front of a cute but small two-story house. Jared was completely lost by then.

 “Uh...Mom? Where are we?”

 "Okay, please don’t be mad at me.” The woman began as she turned around to watch her son face to face. She looked so guilty… What had she done? “But I told Heidi I'd take Evan to school today.”

"You did what!?" The boy asked incredulously.

Just a second later, Heidi Hansen's melodious voice reached the ears of Helen and her son. Jared turned his head quickly and watched as the blond-haired woman was saying goodbye to her son at the front door. Evan pulled away from his mother and began to walk awkwardly toward the car. The kid was wearing a white backpack that matched his sneakers. The jean seemed to be freshly ironed, just like his blue t-shirt. Jared went silent as Evan advanced toward the vehicle. He couldn’t change his face of stupefaction, at least not until the Hansen boy had reached the door of the car, standing there not knowing what to do.

"Jared, open the door for him."

The boy obeyed his mother, emerging from the trance, and moving to his left so that Evan had a place to sit.

Moments later Jared was sitting next to Evan freaking Hansen.

"Good morning Evan! Ready for the first day of school?”

“Y-yes .... Thank you for taking me. I don’t wa-want to bother anyone.”

“Nonsense! You are not bothering anyone, darling, right Jared?”

For a second, the boy with glasses was about to make a sarcastic remark, but he withdrew at the last moment... _Just nod and confirm._

"Right," the boy replied, forcing a smile but not looking at his seat partner.

Helen started the car and they returned their way to the school.

An awkward silence settled in the vehicule, and it didn’t seem to go away even after the woman put the radio on, so Helen found herself in need of a start a conversation.

"You know, Evan, Jared is terribly embarrassed that I'm driving you two to school on the first day.”

“Mom!”

Jared covered his face. Someone had to stop his mother as soon as possible. She was out of control. 

"Why?" Evan asked in a tone that it seem like he was forcing himself to participate in the talk.

Jared took that as the opportunity to defend his hypothesis.

"It's the first day," the boy began, adjusting his glasses and turning to see Evan. “And _everyone_ else takes the bus.”

“ _Jared_...”

"They're going to make fun of us!"

"Jared! Don’t scare Evan.”

"I'm not scaring him, I'm just saying ..."

"I don’t like the bus." Evan said quietly but not stuttering at all.

Mother and son looked at Evan, almost surprised at the confidence in which the little boy had said that phrase. Jared gave him a confused look, because, _why_ would that kid be so sure he didn't like the bus? Almost immediately Evan opened his mouth again.

“B-But I don't want them to make fun o-of me either.”

"Ha! Evan is on my side.” Jared exclaimed to his mother.

"I ... No ... I-I mean ... I ...” The taller kid tried to explain himself but Jared interrupted him.

“Don’t worry. I know my mom can be scary, but you don’t have to give her the reason.”

"Jared ..." the woman began in a menacing tone, but was abruptly cut off when the boy exclaimed, "We are here!"

And it was true. They had finally arrived at school.

“Okay, okay. Are you ready? Remember that I’m gonna pick you up...”

“Mom!”

"Darling, if someone makes fun of you because your mother drives you home, then they’re not nice people and you shouldn’t be their friend.”

Jared looked at Evan in a way that was practically screaming, " _Can you believe what she's saying_?" Evan gave him a nervous but genuine smiled.

"Sure, Mom, you're _so_ wise. We have to leave now. Bye!” Said Jared, talking as fast as he could, while he opened the door and practically ran out of the car. Evan followed, but much more slowly, taking his time to say goodbye to Mrs. Kleinman.

Jared lowered his speed once he was far enough from the car. He wanted to get into the building as soon as possible and blend with the people. But then he remembered Evan. Now that his mother was gone, what was he supposed to do with him? The boy with his glasses turned around to look for the boy with the blue shirt and found him walking behind him with his head down.

“Helloo?”  Jared said snapping his fingers in front of the other boy, making him come back to reality. “If you walk that way you are going to run into wall or something.”

“I'm sorry.”

“For what?” Jared asked confused.

"I don’t know." Evan admitted, lowering his head again.

"What did I just tell you?"

"Right!" Evan straightened almost excessively, and looked at Jared with fear in his eyes.

 “Weirdo” commented the boy with glasses, shaking his head. It was getting late.

 

 

When her mother asked Helen to take him to school, Evan's mind began to be invaded by negative thoughts. _What if they don’t like me? What if they think I'm weird? If Jared asks me about dad, what am I going to tell him? Jared doesn’t even like me. I'm a mess._

Heidi hugged her son tightly and assured him that nothing bad was going to happen. Evan almost believed her… almost being the key world.

The trip was just as he expected it to be. Full of awkward moments. Helen was a good person, but for some reason every time that Evan spoke to her, he felt the anxiety growing inside him. And then there was Jared. The boy seemed to always be angry, and Evan sometimes felt a little uncomfortable near him. Basically, he didn’t know how to behave around Jared.

But there were also moments, small and almost imperceptible moments, where Jared seemed… nice. Like when Helen talked about how they should not be friends with mean people. Jared gave him _that_ look, and Evan felt himself inevitably connected with the boy, and he dreamed for a moment that he could be part of something.

However, when they got out of the car everything changed.

Evan felt instantly lost.

He didn’t want to follow Jared like a dog following his owner, but what else could he do? Would it seem weird if he just disappeared?

"Helloo?”

Jared's eyes were watching him mockingly from behind the glasses. Evan felt his legs tremble for a second. He was being analyzed and judged. Basically his worst nightmare.

Evan straightened up after Jared had remarked that he shouldn’t walk with his head down.

“Weirdo”

_Of course Jared thinks you're weird. You're a fool. Fool. Fool._

“Come on. It’s getting late!”

Or maybe not?

The day passed just as Evan thought it would pass. As soon as Jared and he entered the classroom, all eyes were fixed on him. The new boy.

Unsurprisingly, his teacher practically forced him to introduce himself. And, as was to be expected, Evan ruined the presentation, stammering and getting so anxious that he literally was on the verge of tears. That leaded to the other expected thing to come true. All his classmates began to laugh at him uncontrollably. Jared included, who sat at the back of the classroom and was wearing a white shirt, just like the color of the wall, so the boy seems to almost disappear. 

Evan ducked his head and went to sit in the front row by the window, far from the only person he knew in that classroom. There he sat and tried to ignore the voices of the other kids.

_"What's wrong with him?" "Why does he talk like that?" "Is he crying?" "He’s weird."_

Evan stared at a beautiful oak that grew out of school. From his seat he had a privileged view of the courtyard.

_"He is alone"_

He tightened the edge of the table without realizing and his teeth began to grind… The tree was enormous and so beautiful. _Just think about the tree._

_"Another lonely weirdo"_

When the bell rang Evan turned almost instinctively to look for Jared, but the boy had disappeared ... The perks of sitting next to the door. The blue-eyed boy sighed and left the classroom, prepared to suffer every second of recess.

It was not as if he didn’t try to integrate and make friends. But when the first impression had been a disaster, it became much more difficult. Evan tried to approach his classmates, talk to them, and the interaction always ended with him running away…People could be so intimidating.

In the first recess Evan didn’t see Jared anywhere; neither in the second. Just in the third and last one, Evan found the boy with glasses sitting in the backyard with a portable console in his hands, all alone. The brightness of the screen reflected in his glasses, leaving no doubt that the boy was submerged in the video game, so Evan decided to pretend that he had never seen the other kid. The last thing he wanted was to upset him. So he slowly walked away from Jared, leaving him alone with his console.

Evan spent the rest of the break in the bathroom, just as he'd predicted he would, since he'd gotten up that morning.

When the last bell of the day rang, everyone began to pack their things with a speed that was admirable for seven-years-olds. But no one was faster than Evan Hansen, who had wanted to disappear from that place from the moment he set foot in the classroom.

Hanging the backpack on his shoulder, the boy hurried out without looking at anyone in the face, very busy watching his own feet.

“Hey, you!” Evan almost froze in the middle of the hallway at the sound of that voice. He had forgotten to wait for Jared. "How was your first day in this dump? No, wait, let me guess. It was shit.”

Jared caught up with him and they both started walking down the hall,toward the exit. There was something about  _that_ that it felt so right. Just walking with another kid of his age. It was so awesome. If he closed his eyes, Evan could almost imagine what it would be like to have a real friend. But Evan didn’t close them because that would be weird, and Jared would laugh at him.

"Um... good. I guess” Evan shrugged. It had been a bad day, but not the worst of his life.

 "Um, good. I guess." Repeated Jared imitating Evan’s nervous tone, then chuckling. "Well, I had an acceptable day”

“Acceptable?” Asked Evan, not used to hear that word.

"Yeah, you know ..." Jared began to explain, as they went through the front door. "No one bothered me, but I didn’t talk to anyone. It wasn’t bad, but not good ... Just _acceptable_.”

“Oh…. T-then… I think I have an _acc-acceptable_ day too”

Both boys stopped at the sidewalk, waiting for Jared's mother to appear. Evan began to fidget unconsciously with the hem of his shirt, while slowly but steadily felt the discomfort settling in the air. Someone needed to talk as soon as possible or his brain would explode.

"What did you do at recess?" Jared asked, swinging back and forth as he watched a group of children get on the school bus.

“Uh? Oh ... I ... Um ... You know, I just ... I just…walked?”

Jared couldn’t contain his laugh. Evan only watched in silence, biting his lower lip.

"You walked?" What kind of answer is that?" The little boy asked trying - _and failing-_ to breath normally again. Evan could see tears streaming from his eyes.

"I don’t know ..." he replied, shrinking in himself.

"You have to buy one of these." Jared said taking out the portable console from his backpack. "It saves your life .... Oh shit, your mother said she couldn’t afford them, right? That sucks. But Hey! The next time you come to my house I'll let you play a game. How about that?

“T-That would be great. T-thank you.”

Evan wiped the sweat from his hands on the shirt. Jared was being kind to him. Why? It was a nice feeling. A warm feeling that filled him, and to which he was not use to. And there he was, enjoying the moment, when suddenly the fear of being fooling himself invaded the boy. Jared had laughed just like everyone else when Evan spoke - _or tried to_ \- in front of the whole class. _If he wants to be your friend he wouldn’t have done something like that, would he?_

Goodbye to the warm.

Hi, to cold and scary feeling.

"Don’t mention it ... No, really. Don’t mention it. My mom would make a big deal and I don’t want to hear her. _“Oh, son, I knew you could be nice”._ "Jared said, trying to imitate his mother's voice.

Evan let out a chuckle. Jared confused him. On one hand he seemed to want nothing to do with him, and on the other, there he was, inviting him to play video games and making him laugh. But if Evan was grateful about something it was about the fact that Jared seemed to never shut up. It was reassuring to know that he didn’t have to have banal talks with the boy, because that always ended in a terribly overwhelming discomfort for Evan.

Helen appeared a short time later apologizing for the delay. Jared told her that if she had taken five more minutes he would have returned to the home on foot. Her mother seemed used to her son attitude, however didn’t hesitate to scold him.

She looked through the rearview mirror at Evan. "Your mother called and told me that she is working late tonight, so you gonna stay in our house until her shift ends. Is that all right, sweetie?"

“Yeah sure…”

His mother was working late again. Evan only begged that kind of calls didn’t become a habit for his mother. Not only because he didn’t want to disturb the Kleinman family, but because there was something deep inside him that feared that one of those days his mother wouldnt come back, abandoning him.

Just like his father did.

“How was the first day of class?” Asked Helen, as she started the car.

"Good, I guess. I walked a lot” Her son answered.

Jared tried to hold back the laugh, and Evan didn’t know if he was trying to annoy him, or it was an inside joke between the two of them. He could not help but smiled, thinking that maybe it was the second option.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, guys!!


	3. Sleepover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One word: Finals.  
> Oh god, finals are the worst. I don't know how I survived. (I'm even alive right now??)  
> Anyway, Im back in the city and im here to stay... (see what I did there? I made a hamilton reference... okay, im gonna shut up now.)

"Are you inviting me to a sleepover?"

_"No, my mother is inviting you"_ Jared thought, but after considering that would be a little too aggressive he decided to change the phrase.

“I guess? My mom would be happy to see you.”

It was the pure truth. His mother seemed to have a fascination for Evan. The woman was always talking about how adorable her friend's son was. In fact, it could get annoying, especially since she almost never called Jared "adorable." Instead, every time she introduced him to new people, she would say something like "And he's my son Jared, he can be very… _troublesome_ sometimes."

"Dramatic" "Gloomy" "stubborn"

Say a negative adjective, Jared had heard them all.

But Evan? He was perfect in his mother's eyes.

The school bus turned right and both children instantly knew they were very close to the Hansen residence ... The classes had started about two months ago and that was just the first week that Jared's mother had let him take the bus . The boy with the glasses was pretty happy about. Evan? Not that much. He seemed very nervous, more than usual.

_"There…are… a-a lot of people."_ he whispered in Jared ear as soon as they got on the bus.

However, when they sat down, Jared started talking about the new video game his parents had bought him and that seemed to distract Evan for a while.

“Uh ... I ... I have to ask my- my mom.”  Said the boy, suddenly nervous again.

“Okay, sure.”

The bus stopped and Evan greeted Jared as he got up from the seat before stepping off of the yellow and black vehicle.

Jared arrived home almost ten minutes later, and was greeted by his mother who instantly asked if Evan had accepted the invitation.

"He's going to ask his mom."

"I'm sure Heidi will say yes. Go and clean your room now. I don’t want it all messed up when they arrive.”

The time passed and Jared did everything his mother aked. He ordered his room, he took a bath and finally he got dressed up. The boy didnt understand why he had to do all those things, after all it was just ... Evan. It wasn’t as if he was going to judge him because his bed was not perfectly made. But his mother, however, cleaned the whole house to receive the Hansen kid as if they were about to receive the president.

Nearly three hours later the bell rang and a second later Helen was at the front door receiving her friend and a very disturbed Evan, who had a green backpack hanging on his back. In his tiny hands the little boy carried a sleeping bag.

"It's the first time he stays to sleep in another house," Heidi explained with a smile.

"Is okay! Dont even worry about it. I get it ... Hey, Evan." Helen squatted down and looked at Evan's eyes. "Do you like chocolate chip cookies?" The boy looked at his mother before nodding. "I'll cook some for you and Jared later. Do you like the idea?"

Evan nodded more energetically this time, and a small smile began to form on the boy's lips.

"You are going to make cookies? You never want to cook me cookies!”

Helen, Heidi and Evan looked at Jared, who was watching the whole situation from the second floor.

"Hello Jared," Heidi said politely and, beside her, Evan waved his hand in greeting, trying not to drop the sleeping bag in the process.

“Hey.”

“Okay, if anything happens you have my number. I'll be here as fast as I can.” Heidi bent down to hug her son and kissed him on the forehead. "I love you. Take care and have fun. I'll see you tomorrow, alright?”

Evan nodded and hugged his mother again, one last time before the woman left. Helen closed the door, sealing in some way Evan's fate. Jared exchanged glances with the tall boy, and motioned him to go up the stairs.

Minutes later both children were in Jared's room. Evan advanced to the center of the room and dropped his sleeping bag. Jared frowned in confusion as he saw the other boy starting to unfold his sleeping bag.

“What are you doing?”

“Uh? Oh ... I ... I want to leave everything ready for whe-when we go to sleep.”

“But is _so_ early. Do it later, weirdo.” Said Jared as he took off his shoes and jumped up on the bed.

"Mom always says don't leave for tomorrow what you…you can do today."

“Really? I leave everything for later. I can have more fun that way.” Jared started jumping even higher on the bed, and Evan watched him with a concerned look on his face.

"Ple-please be carful Jared... and, and also, if I leave everything for later ... then ... then ... then I'll feel bad. I always feel bad when I'm nervous and ... and ...”

“Hey. Evan. Relax.” Jared jumped out of bed with a perfect landing. “Do you want to play?” Jared asked as he turned on the TV. The device began to come alive slowly, reflecting its light on Jared's glasses as the child sat down, taking on of his controllers.

In those last months Evan had become a decent player. Jared had had to teach him from the most basic levels, which was terribly boring. But surprisingly Evan progressed quickly, and before Jared realized, the boy was competing against him.

“Oh ... In fact ...” Evan sat on the Jared´s bed, taking the backpack off his shoulder, and then looking for something inside. Finally, the boy pulled out a blue book. On the cover Jared was able to read "The Little Prince". “My mother is reading me this book ... I brought it because ... well, because ... I want to read it… juts for a while! If you don’t mind of course….”

"Are you going to read?" Jared asked. The video game´s title shone on the television screen. Evan didn’t know it, but judging by the graphics of cars everywhere he figured out it was a racings game . Jared was well aware that such games were one of Evan's favorites.

"Yeah ... It's a pretty ni-nice story, and ... and I ...”

"You read?"

“Yes?”

Jared's head twisted slightly, confused. The boy had some books, just a few in fact. His parents sometimes read him when was bedtime, but he had begun to loathe those nightly readings. Probably because he knew that as soon they closed the book it was bed time, and Jared had to stay alone in his room and fall asleep... and that would be an easy thing to do if it weren’t for the dark.  _That awful, awful darkness._ Jared was terrified of being alone in the dark.

So every time he saw a book he couldn’t help thinking that it was a short time before he was left alone with his greatest fear.

“My mom reads me all the time. I-I'm trying to read on my own and ...”

“Great. I don’t like it.” Jared commented, turning his attention to the video game.

"Why?"

Jared glanced at Evan, who was pressing the book against his chest.

"I don’t know," the boy shrugged. “Whatever. If you want to read, is fine. I'm going to kick some asses over here. " He said, as he chose what kind of car race he wanted to play.

Half an hour later Helen appeared with the promised cookies, which both children devoured in a matter of seconds.

Jared's father came home from work and stuck his head in his son's room to greet the children, before retiring.

Time passed, and little by little the daylight disappeared.

“Can I play?” Evan asked shyly suddenly.

“Did you get bored of reading?”

"Uh, maybe? I would like ... I would like to play now.”

"What are you waiting for then? Come on!”

Evan jumped out of bed and went to sit next to Jared, who gave him the other controller. It was already late and dinner would be ready in a short time, but there was still time for one or two more games ... besides, now that Evan was playing too, Jared felt a little less bored. He hated to admit it, but playing alone was not as much fun as he made it seem.

Maybe that was why Jared had chosen a racing game. Evan could never resist them, and Jared didnt mind playing them. True, zombie games were his favorites, but if playing a racing game was the only thing he had to do to have company then ...

Suddenly the characteristic sound that indicated the end of the race brought the boy with glasses back to reality.

While he was thinking that maybe playing with Evan was way better than playing alone, the other boy had managed to win the game. That could not be. He always won the race games!

"You cheated!" Jared complained angrily, dropping the controller that hit the floor making a loud noise.

“I didn’t!”

“You're lying.”

“I´m not.  I promise." Evan said insistently, as if he was desperate for Jared to believe him. Probably for that reason the boy left his control on the floor and brought his hand in front of Jared's face, raising his little finger.

"Pinky promise?" Jared had only made two such promises in his life. One with his mom, when she made him promise not to cry the first day of school ... Jared really tried, and somehow managed to keep the promise for a few hours. But as soon as he returned to the house the boy collapsed on the floor, making the tantrum of the century and shouting that he never wanted to return to school. Things changed a little over time, Jared didn’t cry anymore, but he still hated that place. Her second "pinky promise" was with his grandmother. The boy had found her crying one day and asked what was wrong. It turned out that her grandma was very sick ... in fact she was so sick that she could never get better. Later in time, his mom told him that the cancer was to blame. His parents tried to explain to him what the cancer was, but Jared had never understood it completely. All that he knew was that it was very bad. Her grandmother was aware of how bad it was, that's why she was crying that day, and when Jared asked what was wrong she smiled at him, in that way he adored so much. "I'm very sick, honey." "When I feel bad, mom and dad take me to the doctor. I don’t like it, but they say I have to go anyway.”  “Let me tell you a secret. I don’t like doctors either. But still... I went to see so many of them by now, and they all say the same thing.... Jared, you have to promise me that you will not tell this to your parents. Okay? It's very important."

So Jared Pinky promised to keep the secret.

The boy blinked.

Evan was watching him in silence, dead serious.

Sighing, Jared intertwined his little finger with Evan's.

"You better not lie to me. The pinky promises are _super_ important.”

“I know.” Evan was telling the truth; Jared could see it in his eyes.

 The boy with glasses decided to change the subject, feeling instantaneously bored after making the promise.

"Let's play another game!"

"But ... Is almost dinner time, ri-right?"

"We still have time. Come on!

“I do…don’t know. Your mom could be mad if we stay here pla-palying...”

"My mom?" Jared laughed. "My mom never gets angry ..." Jared stopped talking and thought for a second to finally open his mouth again. "Well, she only gets angry with my dad. She says he's a _coward_.”

"Coward?"

"You dont know what it means?" The boy asked sarcastically as he searched for a new video game.

"Yes, I know what-"

"It means someone who is afraid of everything. A chicken…Like you!”

“S-shut up, Jared.”  Evan grumbled, but Jared's laughter was too contagious to continue to frown.

"Come downstairs, boys!  Dinner is ready! " Helen's voice flooded the room, and Jared set the controller on the floor, letting out a sound of pure annoyance.

"Maybe you were right. We should stop playing.”  Admitted the visibly upset boy.

They both went down the stairs talking about how it had been possible for Evan to win the game.

"It's not so ... so complicated. You only have to turn left before you see the curve and then you speed up when ...”

With each step the voices of Jared’s parents became more and more audible. The boy couldn’t even hear what Evan was saying anymore. Her brain was focused on the conversation her mother and father were having in the dining room. When the two children arrived, the adults didn’t even notice their presence. They were sitting very close, his mother at the head of the table and his father on her right ... they didn’t look happy.

"I'm going to call Paula. Maybe she can give us an appointment for...”

“Paula has no experience with kids.”

"But she's my friend, and I'm sure-"

Jared coughed, making his parents pay attention to Evan and him. It was not the first time he caught them talking in a low voice, as if they were trying to keep a secret; and every time Jared appeared, both of them went silent.

"Boys, you are finally here. Sit down.”

The children obeyed instantly. In front of them was a hearty plate of spaghetti and meatballs, one of Jared's favorite foods. Maybe it was coincidence ... or maybe it was because Evan was there. Probably the second option.

"Why do they always do that?" Asked suddenly Jared. He wasn’t even hungry anymore but he still started to rolling up the spaghetti on the fork.

“Sorry?”

"You're always whispering things. Is it about me?  Are you talking about me?" 

The adults exchanged glances briefly before looking at their son again. As usual, Jared was making those probably, way too of clever and abrupt remarks for an almost eight-year-old boy.

The little boy could have a lot of nerve sometimes...too bold for his own good maybe.

"Of course not, buddy.”

“What makes you think that?”

Jared shrugged and took a bite of a particular big meatball. He didn’t want to talk anymore, and even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t even know what to say. The boy could feel how Evan was moving like crazy in his seat, clearly uncomfortable with the situation.

"The food is delicious." Evan whispered beside him.

"Thank you, Evan." Helen answered putting her typical smile on her lips. “How's school going? Did you have a nice week? Now that I don’t drive you to school anymore, I can hardly talk to you. Are you getting used to the school bus?”

Instantly, Jared noticed how Evan's left hand were beginning to fidget with the hem of his shirt, beneath the table.

“Uh ... yes, fine. Every… everything is gre-great. I like it very much.”

"No, you don’t.”

Evan looked at Jared in terror, while the kid of glasses was trying to understand why Evan thought he needed to lie. What did it matter if his parents learned that Evan had to hold back tears every time he got on the school bus? They were adults. It didn’t matter what they thought.

"Son, don’t interrupt Evan" his father scolded him sternly.

"Yes, let him finish." His mother agreed as she cut a meatball and gave a warm smile to her friend's son.

Jared turned to watch at Evan, expectant to see if he would continue with the lie.

"The truth is ... I just ... I do not want to talk about it.”

Evan looked as if he wanted to run away from there and Jared began to feel his chest aching at the sight of him.

"What happened? Is someone bothering you at school? Honey If that’s so; you should talk to your mother about it ...”

"Evan doesn’t feel like talking right now, mom. Leave him alone.”

The Hansen boy tried to say something but Jared jumped off the chair and declared that he had finished eating.

"Come on, Evan.”

Dinner had been uncomfortable, and Jared couldn’t blame Evan for that.

As they climbed the stairs, Jared could hear his parents whispering again. He clenched his fists instantly and for a moment he thought about going back there and yelling at them ... but Evan was there, he couldn’t do that.

"My parents used to do the same thing" Evan murmured, pulling the boy with glasses out of his thoughts.

“What thing?”

"Whispering ... And s-sometimes …they talked about me.”

“And what did you do?”

"I used to hid in my room every time they started doing that"

Jared nodded. He understood what Evan was saying. He hated to know that his parents were keeping secrets, but at the same time he was terrified of really knowing what they were talking about.

When they reached the room Evan took his clothes and went to change to the bathroom.

Meanwhile, Jared put on his astronaut pajamas and shortly afterwards Evan entered the room with his Ninja Turtles pajamas. Jared commented that he watched that show sometimes. His favorite characters were Rafael and Donatello. Evan liked Leonardo more.

The children began to talk about their favorite characters as they got into their respective beds. Evan told him that he was going to be Wolvering for Halloween, and Jared could not have been more enthusiastic about Evan liking X-MEN.

“I have a few comics. Do you read comics? Next time you come to my house, we'll watch the movies.”

Both boys spoke for a while longer. The revelation that they shared a taste for X-MEN had taken Jared by surprise. It was so weird to talk to another kid about such things. Usually Jared read the comics at recess, while avoiding the bullys. Nobody was interested in the same things as him... Until that moment.

It was a strange feeling ... but one that the boy could get used to.

The clock on the night table struck ten o'clock, and Jared stiffened at once.

Okay, but what was going to happen when the lights went out? Jared didn’t care what Evan thought of him ... but he didn’t like the idea of looking like a coward. His mother said that he wasn’t such thing; according to her, the fear of the dark was very common. But did Evan know that fact? Jared didn’t know if that was the case, and the boy feared that the taller kid would laugh at him... Okay, maybe he did care about what Evan Hansen thought of him.  Just a little bit.

Jared watched as Evan clung to the blankets as if his life depended on it. A smile formed on the child's lips as a million jokes went through his brain. It was perfect.

 "Why are you so scared all of sudden... are you afraid of the dark?” asked the Jared, laughing. “Chicken"

Evan didn’t answer. He just stood there staring at the ceiling, looking completely helpless in that huge room.

That was not the way to make friends, and Jared knew it. He could almost hear his mother's voice in his mind scolding him. But Jared could not care less ... Okay, maybe he felt a little bad when he saw Evan's face. The boy seemed to be about to cry. But still! There he was, Evan, in his Ninjas Turtles pajamas and his sleeping bag with drawings of trees, and he was almost trembling with fear. It was… perfect. Jared could easily hide his own fear if Evan was scared too.

"It's just a little darkness. Don’t be a chicken. But if you're so scared then we'll have to sleep with the light on."

To say that Evan looked mortified would be to fall short.

The noise of the door opening interrupted the apologies of Evan, who, with Jared, was startled by Helen's sudden irruption. The woman poked her head up first to smile at them, then quickly entered the room, carrying a small lamp that she placed at the foot of her son's bed.

Jared looked at her in horror, begging her not to say anything.

"Everything ok Evan? Are you afraid of the dark too? Jared hates to be alone in the dark ... I remember once when he started to cry so hard and ...”

“Mom! Just _leave_!”

Helen chuckled, turning on the lamp and turning off the lights before retiring.... His mother was a real monster. Because of her, Jared face went red with embarrassment.

As soon as the door closed, Evan let out a giggle, which didn’t matter how hard he tried to disguised it, the sound reached Jared, who responded by throwing a pillow straight to his face.

“Shut up idiot!”

A second later both of them were laughing like crazy.

Surprisingly for the Kleinman boy, Evan didn’t comment again on Jared's fear of the dark all night. It was weird. Why pass up such a good opportunity? No doubt Evan must be the most educated person he had ever met, and that was so confusing for Jared.

He was pretty sure that his mother would like to have a son like Evan...

"Goodnight," Evan whispered.

Jared was still red. He could feel the heat on his cheeks.

“Yes, good night.”

Little would Jared know that those wouldn’t be a "good nights". Not at all.

His parents' voices woke Jared three hours later. The boy blinked a couple of times, still disoriented. It was raining pretty heavily. He lazily groped for his glasses on the nigh table, and just as he put them on, the boy could hear perfectly how his mother shouted, "Are you fucking kidding me?" For a second Jared forgot how to breathe. He was used to hearing them fight. But this time it was different. For the first time someone who wasn't part of the family was spending the night there. More specifically: Evan.

Jared turned to see if the argument had succeeded in waking up the other boy, and a wave of relief swept over him when he saw that Evan looked completely asleep.  Jared envied him for a second.

After his mother had shouted, the adults lowered the volume of their voices. Jared could only hear murmurs and that couldn’t be right. The boy had to know exactly what the fighting was about.... He had to make sure he wasn’t the reason for the argument.

Very delicately he got out of bed, dodged Evan and half opened the door, just enough so his little body could go through. The hallway on the second floor was dark, but Jared didn’t collapse in fear because at least one light came from the first floor. There, the boy supposed, it was where his parents were ... obviously he wasn’t going to go downstairs and ask them about what the fight, so the boy sat on the top step of the stairs and kept silence.

"What Jared needs is to have real friends!"

Oh shit. They were fighting and it was his fault.

"How are you even supposed to know what your son needs if you're never here?"

“Oh no! Don’t even think in putting this on me!”

“What are you saying? This is _my_ fault now?”

"I’m just saying that you think you know the boy just because you have a couple of degrees in psychology!"

Was his father an idiot, or what? That would only make her mom even angrier.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

_"Jared?"_

The boy with his glasses turned his head so fast that his neck ached for a few seconds.

Evan was watching him from the entrance to his room; half of his face was being lit up by the lamp that his mother had placed a few hours earlier. The light made Evan's features stand out. The boy looked sad, and for some reason that only made Jared angrier. He ran a hand over his face, trying to wipe off his tears, and stand up with quickly... Wait, tears? Shit. When did he start crying? Jared hated when that happened.

"I'm fine," he whispered.

With a determined walk, he entered again to his room, pushing Evan slightly in the process, and closed the door. He didn’t stop when the other boy repeated his name, almost pleading, or when his mother's voice went through the door again.

Jared just went back to bed, covering his head with the blanket. Perhaps, and only perhaps, if he closed his eyes very hard, all the noise would go away.

The noise didn’t go away.

 

The next morning Evan was the first to wake up. Everything was quiet, as if the storm had never happened, and Jared's parents were not about to divorce. Calm flooded the room, and the light from the lamp seemed like a joke compared to the enormous amount of lightening that was expanding from the window. The sun had risen again for the joy of the child.

Evan waited half an hour lying down, facing the ceiling and pretending to sleep. Waiting for someone in the family to give some sign of life. Preferably Jared.

When the boy with glasses had invited him to a sleepover, he never thought that things would end up like that. Okay, Evan was pretty sure something bad would happen, mostly because he always caused inconveniences and people looked at him in that weird way. But, so much to the boy's surprise, he wasn’t responsible for that specifically problem, if not the parents of Jared were the ones to blame.

Deep inside him, Evan would have wanted to be the source of the problem. That way Jared wouldn’t have fall asleep in tears. He knew how he felt, and when he witnessed that fight, images of his own noisy parents sprouted in his mind.

The image of her mom crying.

The image of his dad climbing to that truck, and leaving for good.

Evan could never get those images out of his head. What if it was his fault? What if his father left because he couldn’t stand Evan? His mother, just like his psychologist, was always telling him that wasn’t true, that he was not to blame for anything.

But what if his mother got tired of him too eventually? What if she left him? What if…?

“Are you awake?”

Evan turned his head and saw Jared watching him. The boy had taken his glasses from the table and was putting them back on. Evan watched him for a few seconds before nodding. The new day seemed to have improved everything, including Jared's spirit, who seemed to never have heard his parents argue.

“I'm hungry. Wanna have breakfast?”

Evan nodded again. He didn’t know how to talk to Jared. Should he say something about what had happened? Maybe, but it was too much. Evan didn’t dare mention the subject. So he just got up, turned off the lamp, and followed the other boy.

"Hey, by the way." Jared paused for a second before opening the door, not turning to face him. "Could you please ... not say anything about what happened?"

“You were cry-crying.”

Evan didn’t know why he thought it would be a good idea to bring that up. But it seemed important for some reason.

Jared turned quickly, frowning and with a menacing presence.

“That’s not true!”

Before he knew what was happening Jared had pushed Evan with all his forces, causing the boy to fall on his sleeping bag.

Jared looked at him in silence with obvious shock on his small face. With each passing second, Evan breath become more irregular, and it was pretty clear that the little boy was beginning the breathed in an alarming fast speed, while his eyes filled with tears at an frightening rate.

"Hey, Evan, sor ... I ... I didnt want to." The words sprang from Jared's mouth one after another, and nothing made sense.

"Is o-okay ... it was my- it was my fault." Evan's words also made no sense. But they were charged with a deeper pain. One that no seven-year-old boy should ever endure.

“What? It isn’t! What are you ...?”

"Jared?" Everything is alright?

The door opened only a few inches, and Mrs. Kleinman's head peered out. Both boys petrified even more if that was possible. Jared's face paled with fear as panic swept over the child.

"I ..." He began, in a pitiful attempt to explain what had happened.

“I stumbled.”

Helen and Jared looked at Evan, amazed at the security in which the boy had spoken.

The boy in the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” pajamas, forced a smile before asking if breakfast was ready.

“Uh, yes. I’m going to wait for you downstairs, okay?”

Mrs. Kleinman closed the door slowly, leaving her son and Evan alone again in the room.

"Come on." Jared held out his hand for peace.

Without a word Evan took it, standing up. It didn’t hurt at all physically, but he still felt how the anguish had settled on his chest, suffocating him. Jared didn’t say sorry. He should have said sorry. It was what had to be done. His mother had taught him the importance of saying sorry, please and thank you. It was strange to see another child ignore such things when it was natural for him.

It was actually so weird that Evan started wondering why Jared was like that, and for some reason the little boy thought that for some reason Jared´s parents were the ones to blame. Again.

However Evan forgave Jared. Why? First, the child didn’t know how to be angry. Second, Jared treated him extra well in the remainder of the day. He shared his chocolate reserve, let him play longer in video games, and didn’t bother him at all in anyway.

At that time, he was pretty sure that it all would be temporary but, still, Evan really enjoyed that day when they both could pretend to have a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, I did my best, and I'm sorry for not so perfect english haha  
> Also, this kids families are messed up.  
> But everything is gonna be okay, eventually haha


	4. Birthdays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn't have time to correct all the mistakes this time, I'm sorry! But I need to update the fic now because this week I am very busy and I will not have time later.  
> Also, I really want to take a second and say: THANK YOU. To all the people. This is my first fic here on AO3 and omg, so much kudos and nice comments and I just love it. Thank you so much. It means the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see you there Connor.

Eight was Jared's favorite number, but maybe it was just because he was excited about his birthday.  
After all, the previous year he was pretty sure that his favorite number was seven.  
It felt extremely close to being ten and that was great because it meant he would be old enough to…to... well, to do more stuff.  
However the not-so-exciting part of the turning eight was the party. His parents wanted him to invite all his classmates to the house, but Jared couldn’t express in words how much he hated that brilliant idea. Why would he want to invite all those kids to his house? What for? They weren’t his friends, and Jared didn’t want them to be his friends.  
The only one allowed to go to his house was Evan. Because ... well, because it was Evan, and Jared had become used to always have him around. But still ... He wasn’t sure if he should invite him. It still felt weird to Jared want to invite someone to his house. He wasn’t even sure if he could call Evan a "friend." If so, then he would be his first friend ever, and that was very confusing too. Jared was a "complicated" child according to his parents, and had never known how to treat the other kids nicely. So everything was new and scary. Was Evan his friend? Did Jared want to be his friend? What did he have to do to maintain the friendship?  
But more important... Why the hell did Evan have to miss school?  
Jared was lying on his desk paying zero attention to what his teacher was explaining. There were numbers on the board, so it was math. Jared was good at math. He should pay attention or he would be rebuked again.  
A ball of paper struck Jared, and he lifted his head quickly, startled, drawing the attention of some of the nearest kids. The boy ignored them. He simply took the paper and observed in silence, without expressing any emotion, the drawing that some of his classmates had made of him. The phrase "Happy birthday, loser" was the title of the masterpiece. Underneath the beautiful letters was a drawing of Jared ... or at least the boy thought it was him. The artist wasn’t very good, but the huge violet glasses made it pretty clear. It hast to be him.  
Sighing, Jared swiped the paper back and dropped it to the floor.  
Where was Evan?  
“Teacher?”  
Jared raised his hand and he instantly attracted the attention of his teacher. Mrs. Grover, known as Mrs. G for her students, could be a nightmare. She used to be regarded as the teacher with the most wrinkles and the worst breath. But above all, she was despised because she rarely allowed the students to go to the bathroom. What kind of monster could do that? The answer: Mrs. G.  
"Is there a problem, Jared?"  
“No. I just want to go to the bathroom.”  
“The recess is in ten minutes. Can’t you wait?”  
“But…It's my birthday.”  
Giggles flooded the room and Jared forced himself to express no emotion in his face.  
“Your birthday? And how come I didn’t know this?" Asked the woman, with obvious false excitement.  
Jared shrugged. If it weren’t for the English teacher, who for some strange, and probably supernatural, reason remembered every single birthday of her students, no one would know that Jared was turning 8 years old that day. As soon as he had entered the classroom that morning, the woman exclaimed, "Happy birthday, Jared Kleinman!", as if she was one of his aunts. To say that it was awkward was to fall short.  
"It doesn’t matter," the boy finally replied, begging Mrs. G to stop asking questions and just let him go to the bathroom.  
"Well, if it doesn’t matter then I think you can wait, right?” Mrs. G grinned at the boy before turning around to continue writing numbers.  
"I suppose ... it's just ..."  
The woman froze, just a second before the chalk touched the chalkboard, and she turned slowly with that irritating and patronizing smile still pressed to her lips.  
"Just what?" She asked, pretending to be terribly interested in what the child had to say.  
Jared was silent for a few seconds before looking down and focusing his attention on his blue sneakers. He took a deep breath, and when he looked up again, Mrs. G could almost swear that there were tears in the child's eyes.  
"Well, you'll see ... my parents always forget my birthday ... I never get presents ... And ... and ... and I don’t like birthday because I just get really sad…” Jared inhaled with difficulty, almost as if he were trying to drown out a sudden cry. When he spoke again his voice had become terribly heartbreaking. "Oh dammit ... I think I'm about to...to…cry.”  
"Oh fu…I mean ... Uh, go to the bathroom to wash your face," said Mrs. G quickly, who until that moment had watched the boy as if she was hypnotized.  
"I can’t...the recces is in ten minu..."  
“Forget it, is okay, really. You need to breathe fresh air. Just go.”  
“Thanks teacher! You are the best!" Jared practically jumped from his seat, slightly proud of himself.  
“Mrs. Grover! He is lying!”  
A boy from the other side of the classroom was pointing to Jared in an accusatory manner.  
“Jack! I can’t believe you treat your classmate like that. If you keep with that attitude it will cost you a detention, young man.”  
Jared walked with an air of superiority as he passed by Jack side, one of the biggest bullies in his class, but as he approached the teacher, his face turned again in that expression of a helpless child, owning a glance of pity for Mrs. G.  
As soon as he was out of the classroom Jared sighed. Peace at last.  
The corridor was empty and he couldn’t help feeling overwhelmed by a tremendous desire to simply run to the front doors, and never to look back.  
But he didn’t do that. It was stupid, like, what was the point of that? If he escaped, he didn’t even know where he could hide; and more importantly, what would he eat? Also, no way in hell Jared would leave his video games and comic behind; and that made the possibility of going to Evan's house out of the question.  
But even if Evan had comics and video games, it would be weird to just show up at his house and say, "Hey, I can’t stand my parents or the fucking school anymore. Can I stay here until I'm old enough to have a job and buy a house?"  
Yeah ... that would be weird. Evan would probably freak out.  
Jared entered the bathroom and went straight to lock himself inside a toilet cubicle. Thank God there was no one there, so the boy could be miserable in peace. He locked the door and lowered the toilet lid, trying to touch it as little as possible. Then he sat down and ... waited. He waited and waited, making the most of those minutes of peace. It was much easier to get through the day when Evan was there, he thought. When had he become so weak? Maybe he was getting too used to Evan's constant presence. Jared knew how to act in school. He knew how to treat each classmate and each teacher so he could get what he wanted… or so he could just survive.  
His dad said he was a lone wolf, and Jared had never bothered by that title. It actually sounded cool. But the last couple of months, Jared had begun to depend on Evan...Which was stupid and just lame.  
If that was the case, if spending time with Evan was making him weak ... then Jared didn’t know if he wanted to be his friend. God! It was all so weird and confusing and Jared hated to feel like that.  
The boy looked at his wrist watch. Almost ten minutes had passed. That was ... a long time to be outside the classroom. He had to go back before Mrs. G freaked out and went looking for him. The last thing he needed was for the school to call his parents.  
Jared snorted lightly pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Time to go out and face the rest of the day. The boy unlocked the door, avoiding looking at his reflection as he headed for the exit.  
The hallways were still empty when Jared reached his classroom. He tried not to let thoughts come over him. After all, if he kept it up with that, he'd end up looking and sounding too much like Evan. That couldn’t be good.  
When Jared opened the door all his thoughts disappeared. Mrs. G was yelling like crazy at a boy with short dark brown hair, in a red hoodie. Around them, all the students were petrified in their seats, their eyes wide open, and not knowing what to do. An atmosphere of commotion floated in the room and Jared was completely lost. The boy in the dark red hoodie seemed about to cry, but there wasn’t a single hint of regret in his face, on the contrary, he seemed to be consumed by rage. Jared take a few step forward, closing the door behind him; and only then some of his classmates noticed his presence, the rest remained focused on the teacher and the angry kid.  
Only five steps were enough for Jared to discover the source of all the scandal.  
The printer.  
It was on the floor, and it was completely destroyed ... someone had thrown it.  
Was that boy responsible?  
Oh my God, that must have been the most interesting thing of the day.  
Jared hated that Evan wasn’t there.  
When he got home he thought about telling his mother about the printer incident, but the woman was very busy cooking an enormous birthday cake. One that Jared had never asked for. To be clear, he didn’t hate his birthday. He liked the idea of being older. Besides, a whole day in his honor? Just great. Jared couldn’t deny that he loved attention.  
And the presents. His family compensated being dysfunctional with amazing and super expensive gifts.  
So that was cool.  
But it was also true that his parents spent the day reminding him that it would be great to invite friends into the house. Because apparently not having friends turned his son into the disappointment of the family, and Jared was tired of seeing that look in their eyes.  
That your own parents pity you sucked.  
Neil, his father, came to work super early that afternoon. His hands full of gifts for his child. Most were new video games, comics and toys. Her grandmother had sent clothes and her paternal aunts had bought him a new pair of red glasses. His parents forced him to call every single family member who had sent him a gift to thank them. Jared hated calling his family. It was very uncomfortable. Yet… the gifts were great, without a doubt.  
But all those things didn’t make disappear the feeling that something was missing. Inside Jared was growing a... the child didn’t want to call it "fear", because saying that made him feel weak.  
"Worry." yes, that's better.  
Jared was worried.  
And it all started a week ago, when his parents called him downstairs and forced him to sit on the couch. "We have to talk, honey." "We think you should see someone."  
A psychologist, they said, to work his “socialization problems”. His parents always used big words when they talked to him, as if they forgot that Jared was only eight years old.  
The boy wished he had never been told that, let alone a week before his birthday. Since that talk Jared hadn’t been able to think of anything else. Thank you mom and dad, for ruining my birthday.  
“Sweetie? You're good?”  
Jared looked at his mother, who sat beside him on the couch, where only a week ago he had been forced to sit and listen to his parents' plans to drag him to a psychologist.  
“I'm fine.”  
"Didn’t you like your gifts?"  
“Is not that. I'm fine, Mom.”  
“No you are not. This is exactly what your father and I were talking about the other day. You need to express your feelings. If you don’t trust us, then who you going to trust?”  
No one is an option? The boy thought as he folded his arms and avoided looking his mother in the eyes.  
"You want me to express myself? Okay, I don’t want to go to the psycholog...”  
The doorbell rang and Jared instantly turned his head to see his mother with an expression of bewilderment.  
"I wonder who it could be..." She said smiling, as she approached the door, completely forgetting that her son was about to say something important.  
Meanwhile, Jared suspected who might be waiting on the porch.  
“Mom, I don’t know if I want ...”  
The boy never finished his sentence. His mother opened the door before another word escaped his lips. It was no surprise who were waiting on the other side. Who else but Heidi and Evan Hansen?  
“Welcome! Come in, come in. Honey, the Hansen are here!”  
Jared's father peered out from the kitchen and saw the guests. Smiling widely, Neil approached with determination and shaked hands with Heidi.  
"Nice to see you again."  
“Thank you, is nice to see you too… So, where's the birthday boy?" Heidi asked sweetly.  
“In the living room. Jared, darling, come and say hello.”  
Jared closed his eyes for a few seconds, gathering strength to face the fact that the day has become, thanks to his parents, just chaotic. All that he wanted was to spend the day locked in his room enjoying his new video games. But no. Apparently his birthday was not to do what he wanted, but what his parents said he should want. Being with friends. Being social ... being normal.  
“Hello.” The boy finally stood up.  
Heidi smiled at him warmly, and Evan watched him from behind his mother, smiling shyly. In the child's hands was a package wrapped in a bright red paper with a white bow. A gift, the child deduced feeling something inside him. Why was he giving him a gift? Had his mother forced him to do it?  
Or maybe it was because he considered him a friend.  
Shit.  
That word again. "Friend". Jared felt horribly confused again.  
"Look, Jared. A gift! Why don’t you open it?”  
Almost instantaneously, Evan clung to the package as if his life depended on it. Jared smirked when he saw him in that state, but he remained silent.  
"I think he'd rather give it to him in private," Heidi whispered as if Evan couldn’t hear her. But the boy could, and his cheeks turned red almost immediately.  
"Oh, I see." Helen smiled at Evan and then looked at her son, almost as if she was proud. Of what? Well, she was probably thinking that Jared finally had a friend who gave him gifts for his birthday.  
"Why don’t you go upstairs to play?" His father suggested.  
"What about the cake?" Jared asked wearily. He was pretty hungry.  
"That can wait, don’t you think? It’s still early.”  
Jared exhaled exaggeratedly and rolled his eyes. His mother scolded him, but the child didn’t care. It was ridiculous. The whole situation was ridiculous.  
"Come on Evan," Jared muttered, deciding that spending an afternoon with Evan playing video games was undoubtedly much better than spending the evening listening as his parents criticized him.  
"Hey, Evan!" Helen exclaimed, making the two children stop to pay attention. "Please try to convince my son to leave the house." Evan didn’t have time to answer, because Helen was already talking to Heidi. "What kind of eight-year-old wants to spend his birthday locked up in his room?"  
If looks could kill, Jared's mom would no longer be in this world since a long time. The boy with glasses looked like a bomb about to explode, but instead of made a scene right there, he decided to take Evan's arm and practically drag him upstairs.  
As soon as they entered the room Jared asked Evan to close the door. The last thing he wanted was to hear his parents talking to Heidi.  
"Your mom said ... she said you don’t want to leave the house.” Evan closed the door and then looked at Jared with a worried look.  
“She is being dramatic. I just said I want to play video games all day.”  
"But you always do that."  
"And?" Asked Jared visibly irritated.  
“No! I didn’t mean to say that! Sorry.”  
An uneasy silence flooded the room; finally the Hansen kid took a few steps forward, approaching to Jared, and giving to him the bright red package. Jared took it immediately and stared at it for a moment, analyzing it.  
“What is this?”  
"Nothing, really ... I ... I'm ... I ..."  
Jared ignored Evan as his hands ripped the wrapping. Once the paper fell to the floor, the boy with eyeglasses found himself face to face with a box of phosphorescent stickers.  
"They have star shapes," Evan explained quickly.  
"Yeah ... I can see that, freak.”  
Jared watched the gift as he felt how a strange feeling began to grow inside him. Why…? It was a joke? Evan had never mentioned Jared's fear of darkness since the sleepover. And now... this. It was no coincidence. It couldn’t be. But the thought that Evan was making fun of him was extremely weird. If Jared had learned anything in those months was that Evan was incapable of being mean to anyone.  
“It's a joke? Are you laughing at me? Because if so, I swear...”  
“It isn’t! No. I'm sorry, I don’t ... I just want to help.”  
“Help?”  
"I have stars on my ceiling too. They help me sleep.”  
Jared looked at the gift again, and that strange feeling went through his body one more time. The boy wasn’t sure what it was.... Maybe he was just hungry. Yes, it was probably that. Jared was hungry. What else could it be?  
“Uh... okay. Thank you?”  
Evan grinned at him, and Jared couldn’t help but return the gesture. Damn, Evan's smile was contagious.  
"You're welcome," the boy replied cheerfully.  
“Why did you miss school?” Jared asked abruptly, sitting down on the bed and leaving his present on his side. Suddenly Evan started looking around the room, almost as if he was avoiding Jared eyes. It was so obvious that the question had disturbed the boy, that Jared wished he hadn’t said anything from begin with... yet his curiosity had suddenly grown.  
"I didn’t feel well," Evan murmured. Jared was about to ask if he was sick when the blue-eyed boy spoke again, raising his voice and speaking extremely quickly, "Do you have any new video games? Do you want to play? I think I want to play."  
Jared wasn’t stupid. Evan was trying to change the subject of the conversation desperately and Jared could mention it and make him feel worse with himself ... or he could just ignore it and let it be.  
The boy had no idea why, but he chose the second option.  
"Yes, I have a lot of new ones. I think my dad bought me like three video games of racings.”  
The children turned on the television and sat in their places on the floor. Jared knew that Evan was not a big fan of being locked up all day playing video games. The kid preferred ... the outdoors. But he still seemed to be thrilled to be there playing video games with him. Maybe he just wanted to change the subject of conversation, or maybe he really enjoyed being there with Jared.  
That sounded like friendship.  
Jared was getting more and more sure that Evan Hansen was becoming his friend ... his only, and therefore, best friend. And it was frightening, but inevitable.  
Time passed and they tried almost every single new video game, until only one was left. It was a zombie’s game, which was great for the birthday boy ... not so much for Evan who had shown multiply times to be terrified of such games.  
Evan stood up to change the video game while Jared looked at the time on his watch. They should go downstairs soon to eat the cake.  
But, if Jared was being honest, he didn’t want to come down. He knew that if he did, he would most likely find his parents talking to Heidi about ... that. On one hand Jared was happy that his parents no longer hide the fact that they wanted to send him to a psychologist ... but on the other, the boy couldn’t remember a single moment of peace since they had talked to him about their plan.  
He seemed to be always alert, fearing that his mother would lock him in the car and force him to go to therapy at any moment.  
“Jared, what’s wrong?”  
Shit. His mind was far away from there. The boy hadn’t realized that he hadn’t even taken the controller. But clearly, Evan had noticed. Jared wasn’t surprised at all, Evan was very observant. Another thing they had in common. However the Hansen kid knew how to keep his mouth shut. Jared? His big mouth was responsible for all his problems.  
"My mom wants me to talk to one of her friends," Jared admitted in a whisper, and playing with his hands.  
“And?”  
"With one of her friends from work."  
"Your mother is a psycho ... a psychologist. Right?  
"Yeah ..." Jared made an effort not to laugh at Evan and his obvious difficulty in pronouncing the word "psychologist".  
"So she wants ..."  
"She thinks I'm crazy." Jared said, tightly clenching his fists. He had never said those words out loud, but he had always thought of them. “She thinks there's something wrong with me. My dad too.”  
Admitting that was the craziest thing the boy had ever done in his life. But there he was, opening up to Evan Hansen, the nervous child he had met only months before. Nothing made sense. Everything could be extremely confusing for the Jared sometimes.  
His life could be so ... unstable.  
His parents loved him. Jared knew that. His mother gave the best hugs in the world, and his father made him laugh until he cried. But there were times when they looked at him in that ... so unsettling way. Like if they knew so much more things than he. Like if they were afraid of him. Why? Why couldn’t they look at their son as if there was nothing wrong with him?  
Was there something wrong with him?  
Shit, shit, shit. Was that a tear? Great, now Evan had seen him cry twice. Jared wiped the tears with the sleeve of his shirt and decided to stop talking about himself, before Evan began to worry too much ... but it was late, the other boy was already worried. Jared could see that sad look that Evan had every time he felt sorry for him.  
Even so, Jared continued with his plan to divert the conversation to something other than himself and his problems.  
“You go to the psychologist?”  
“Yes.”  
Okay, that was interesting. Evan went to the psychologist? It wasn’t that weird, but still, it was interesting. Jared had a thousand questions he wanted to ask suddenly.  
“Why?”  
“Stuff.”  
Stuff? Seriously? For a second Jared wanted to insist. Press Evan until he told her the real reason. But the boy's face practically seemed to be screaming "Do not ask. Please. Just. Don’t. Ask." Jared decided to listen to his instincts and for once kept the sharp comments to himself.  
"And how is it?" Okay, Evan could not tell him why, but Jared was interested in other details.  
"She's very kind and we play a lot. Her hair smells nice and ...”  
A smile began to draw lightly on Evan's lips. It was almost imperceptible, but Jared noticed. He always noticed. Evan had that same expression every time he talked about things he liked. Like X-MEN, books, food made by her mother, play in the park when it was a sunny day... and apparently his psychologist. She must be a nice person.  
“No!” Jared interrupted, trying to hold back a laugh. "I mean ... does she ask stupid questions like: How do you feel today?” And shit like that?  
"Sometimes? But still. She is very nice.”  
Jared exhaled as he lay on the floor. From there he had an excellent view of his celling. The boy thought that as soon as Evan left, he was going to ask his mom to help him put all the stars.  
"I don’t want to go ..." And it was true. Jared hated the idea. He hated it from the moment his mother told him that it might be a good idea to talk to his friend Paula. Perhaps because the kid was pretty sure that Paula was a woman who loved gossips and who always talked shit about her own children. Jared didn’t understand why his mother was friends with such a person.  
"But I don’t understand. Your mom is psy ... psycho... psyc... psycoclogitict.”  
"Psychologist," Jared corrected him, snickering.  
"Yes ... that." Evan replied, ashamed, looking at his shoes.  
"She says she can’t… Something about not being able to help me in that way because I'm her son ... I don’t know ... I don’t really get it.” Jared sat again, hastily, fed up with so much emotional talk. His abrupt movement made Evan startle a little, frightened. Jared chuckle, but after that, the silence returned quickly, and the feeling of unease began to grow in the room.  
"Can we talk about something else? Anything." Jared asked, and hated that his voice had sounded almost like a plea.  
“OK…”  
"You should have gone to school. One of the boys went crazy! It was so funny." Jared stood up, tired of being on the floor. He needed to get away from Evan and the feeling of weakness that had invaded him after that “emotional talk”.  
"What, what happened?"  
"Do you know Connor Murphy? He threw a printer at the Mrs G ... Okay, maybe she deserved it, she can be a pain in the ass some ...”  
“A printer?”  
“Yes! Are you deaf? A fucking printer. It was like wooow.” Jared tried to imitate an explosion with his hands, and finally fell back on the bed. “Amazing.”  
“How could he throw a printer? It must be so heavy and also...”  
"Evan! Stop thinking so much. It was amazing and you missed it.”  
“Okay ... But, are we going to play or ...?”  
“Right!” Said Jared, remember the videogame and standing up. “Get ready for the beating of your life, Hansen.”

 

Evan made his mother promise that she would not tell Helen a single word. No one could know that he wanted to visit Jared.  
“It’s a very nice gesture. I don’t understand why you don’t want to ...”  
“Please mom”  
Jared would laugh at him for being sentimental.  
Probably for that exact same reason Evan didn’t want to tell him the real motive of why he had stay at home that day.  
In his defense, he didn’t want to miss school. It was Jared's birthday, how could he miss school? He knew, even if he didn’t tell Jared because that would surely end up in a fight, that if he didn’t go to school there were many chances that the bullies would bother Jared all day. And considering that it was the boy birthday, Evan really wanted to go to school.  
He really wanted it.  
Then, why did his head go crazy?  
Since his father's, and perhaps even before too, Evan had felt weird. It wasn’t just being sad or angry. It was more. Much more. And he was afraid of how deep those feelings could be. So Evan tried to repress them and smile a lot, so that his mother didn’t has to worry...He hated watching his mom sad. It was the worst thing ever… but there were times ... there were times when dark feelings surfaced and seized him. When that happened Evan was completely helpless.  
So, that day, Evan woke up feeling a strong pressure on his chest, and he thought for an instant that he couldn’t breathe at all. The boy screamed, calling his mother desperately. Heidi came running up seconds later, sitting on the bed next to her son and taking him by the arms while her eyes, filled with terror, watched Even, trying to figure out what the hell was happening.  
But Evan could speak. He was too scared for that. Too angry. Too ... everything. So he just hugged his mother tightly, sinking his face into her chest and crying as if the world were going to end. Heidi just stayed there, stroking his hair and repeating over and over again that everything would be fine.  
After like half an hour later Evan had finally relaxed a little bit, but it was so late that it made no sense attend to school.  
Heidi asked for a day off at work, and took Evan to buy Jared's gift. When the woman asked why phosphorescent stars, Evan shook his head and murmured that he couldn’t answer that. After all, it was a secret between him and Jared.  
A few hours later Evan found himself in Jared's room playing an endless collection of video games. He couldn’t say that he loved being locked in there, but it was Jared's birthday and if the boy wanted to stay in his room, so be it. It was the right thing to do.  
Besides, Evan was worried about Jared. The boy seemed to be lost in his thought and much more irritable than the usual. Evan suspected that it was Jared's parents fault. He didn’t want to reach an early conclusion... but from what he had seen in those months, the boy's family seemed to be very weird sometimes. Evan could tell every time Jared fought with his parents.  
And suddenly, Jared said those five words:  
"She thinks I am crazy."  
Evan had never heard him say anything like that. So personal, so deep. Jared was not like that, he never expressed how he felt. Yes, the boy was always talking and he wasn’t afraid of saying what he thought. But when it came to emotions and all that, it was different. Jared could seem like an emotionless jerk ... and sometimes he was. Just a little bit... but he also could be fun and super smart, and he noticed when Evan was not feeling well ... and yes, Jared made fun of him sometimes, but he also protected him, in his weird way.  
So that why Evan thought of Jared as a friend. His only friend. But he knew very well that Jared didn’t feel the same way. In fact, he was sure that if he called him "friend" Jared would mock him and probably never talk to him again. Evan couldn’t afford that. He couldn’t be alone again.  
"Can we talk about something else? Anything"  
Evan agreed immediately. He didn’t want to pressure Jared. Although, frankly, he had never spoken with him like that, and it was weird and awkward but at the same time so ... real? Evan only talked about “deep” things with his mom, and now here was Jared, opening up to him. Trusting him. Did that mean that Evan also has to tell him about his feelings? But ... only friends did that kind of stuff. And they weren’t friends. Right? Oh no ... Evan was so confused.  
Luckily Jared had changed the subject. He was talking about a boy named Connor Murphy. Evan had no idea who he was. He was terrible remembering names, so he made an effort to try to put a face to the name. Finally, he could only recall that Connor had dark brown hair, a bad attitude and no friends. Evan didn’t really care. He had never spoken to the boy, so he didn’t want to judge him. Judging people without knowing them was wrong, according to his mother ... Also, Evan was used to people with bad attitude, more specifically: Jared.  
The game ended and as it was expected Jared won. After all, when it came to war games Evan sucked. The noise of the shots made him way too nervous.  
They still have time for the cake, so Evan took a deep breath and decided to propose an activity.  
"Jared?"  
The other boy made a noise to indicate that he was listening, so Evan continued talking.  
"You want to put the stars on the celling now?"  
“Why?”  
“I just want to see them.”  
"Well, you'll have to wait. We can’t put them, it's too high. I'm going to ask my mom later to help me.”  
"Oh ... all right.”  
Silence. Evan didn’t know why but he really wanted to see the stars stuck on the ceiling of Jared's room. There was something about it that made him feel closer to the other child. Once the stars were on the boy celling, Evan's room and Jared's room would be connected somehow.  
But Evan was beginning to doubt that was ever going to happen. It was Jared after all. He didn’t think of Evan as a friend. Just like a weird and nervous kid. So maybe he wasn’t even going to put the stars up there after all... maybe Jared would throw them in the trash as soon as Evan left the house...maybe…  
"We can have another sleepover ... so you see the stars and all that shit."  
“That would be great! Evan blurted out, letting emotion take control of him. But he quickly recovered, and tried to sound relaxed. "I mean ... uhh, yes, of course.”  
Jared laughed at Evan's attitude but didn’t say anything. He seemed to be getting used to his personality. Evan wondered if he would be ever be able speak without hesitation in front of Jared.  
“Okay, we have to go downstairs. I'm starving." Jared said, standing up." We can keep playing later. "  
Evan didn’t mind playing video games, if that was what Jared wanted to do ... but it was still early and the boy was starting to feel the need of feel the fresh air on his face. Being constantly locked up was not his favorite activity.  
"Jared?" Evan ventured to ask, also standing up.  
“What now?”  
Jared stopped for a moment before opening the door, turning to look at Evan and giving him a tired look. Why was he so tired? Maybe because he talked about his feelings for the first time in his life. Evan felt a pinch of pain in his chest seeing Jared in that state.  
"Do you want to play in the park?" The boy said, trying not to hold any hope. Jared wouldn’t accept, he wasn’t even a fan of nature. Also, they weren’t friends after all…  
“But we still didn’t pass the level, and, also, I want to read my new comics. And it's my birthday so ...” Evan nodded. He understood. In the end, as he had said, it was his birthday. Besides, why would he accept something Evan had proposed? "I guess we can go to the park now. But after that you're going to have to stay to play videogames with me!”  
"But it's going to be so late."  
"Then ask your mom if you can stay here for the night. Hey, you can even see the stars!”  
A smile began to grow quickly on Evan's lips, who nodded wildly without understanding what just happened. Jared had said yes. Why? Maybe he didn’t have to think about it. For once, perhaps, he only had to enjoy the moment. That was his mother's advice. “Enjoy the moment, think later.” But Evan thought it was easier said than done. Overthinking things was in his nature, he hated it, but it was what it was. Even if his physiologist tried to convinced him otherwise.  
Evan stopped thinking when Jared started talking. As usual.  
The boy with glasses was telling him that there was a park near his house with many trees and games. Evan smiled again. Maybe, after all, Jared was his friend.  
A month and a half later Evan turned eight years old.  
Heidi didn’t pressure Evan to throw a party. She knew better. Evan didn’t enjoy the presence of many people at the same time. So only the Kleinmans went to the house ... well, they and several of Evan's aunts.  
Jared gave him an X-Men comic. Wolverine was on the cover. "It's one of my favorites, in fact. But I have too many, so you can keep this one." Evan felt guilty almost immediately. It felt like he was robbing Jared. But the Kleinman kid kept him silent saying it was a gift, so he shouldn’t feel guilty.  
"Oh ... also ... uh, my mom made me do it. I suck at drawing. "  
Jared took a paper from a pocket, and handed it to him, deliberately avoiding his gaze. Evan took it, slightly confused by the change of attitude of the other boy, but when he looked at the paper he just couldn’t help it. He drew a sharp breath. It was a drawing. A very cute drawing of the two of them, smiling under a tree.  
"It's an oak tree. You remember? Like the one in the park near my house. You said you liked it so ... I don’t know… it's stupid. You know what? Just give it to me.”  
Jared tried to take the paper, but Evan dodged it quickly, holding it up. He never presumed to be taller than Jared, but that was the perfect time. He was not going to let him took the drawing away from him.  
"That’s not fair!" Jared groaned, folding his arms.  
“Sorry! I ... I don’t even remember saying that." Evan muttered, slowly lowering his arm, but still being alert in case that Jared wanted to snatch the paper from him.  
"I know, that's why it’s stupid," answered the boy with his glasses, defeated.  
"No, no ... I like it... thanks Jared.” Evan thought in the possibility of give Jared a hug, but that would be too weird. Not only for Jared, but for himself too. Evan wasn’t a big fan of touching people. His mom was the exception.  
Jared didn’t answer. He just shrugged, as if he desperately wanted to act cool. But Evan knew better. He didn’t mention the gift again, but he stuck the draw on a cork wall, along with photos of him with his mother and his own drawings. Every time Jared visited, he used to try to look at anything but his work of art. Anyone would say that the little kid was embarrassed, but still, he never asked Evan to get it off of there.  
After his birthday Evan confirmed what he had begun to suspect on Jared's birthday.  
They were, after all, friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Say goodbye to these adorable and smart kids, the next chapter they are going to be almost 11.


	5. Jared first kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not really a "chapter summary" But I have to clarify. Jared and Evan are almost 11 in this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM ALIVE  
> Im sorry, college is killing me. I'm working on my tesis so i'm trying really hard to find time to write but is SO.HARD.  
> Anyway. I'm here again, and as always I want to say thank you to all of you!! YOU ARE AWESOME. THANKS THANKS THANKS.  
> Also, I watched IT, and oh god. Richie and Eddie are kind of like Evan and Jared and Im dying I love them so much.

_"Summer Camp"_

Perfect. Just perfect.

The boy didn’t have agoraphobia, but his idea of an awesome vacation it definitely wasn’t to be trapped in the forest with other hyperactive children. Jared dropped his backpack on the dirt. It was too heavy to carry anyway. Meanwhile, his parents were getting the last things out of the car.

"I still don’t want to be here."

Of course, Evan Hansen was by his side. The boy had refused to go to a summer camp for years, but his mom had finally convinced him... Perhaps a better way to put it was “she dragged him on”? Anyway, the point was that Evan was there too. Heidi had to work, so she couldn’t drive her son to the camp. Jared´s parents offered to take Evan along, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. And in a way it was. After all, Evan and Jared had become inseparable. No. They didn’t hug or say sentimental things. In fact Jared still had no idea about what had happened to Evan's father ... but still. Needless to say, they both knew that neither of them had any more friends, which inevitably connected them in some pathetic way.

Anyway, the whole trip had been uncomfortable. From the moment they arrived at the Hansen house, and Heidi came to greet them by saying, " _I can’t believe that Evan is finally going to a summer camp, I'm so happy you guys are here. Surely Jared will help him a lot not to feel lonely."_ Until half an hour after the trip began, when his mother declared herself the official DJ of the trip and chose the lamest music in the world, and began to ask embarrassing questions. Classic.

"You, the nature fanatic, don’t you want to be here? Surrounded by hundreds of strangers? Away from our homes? I’m shocked.” Jared scoffed.

"Shut up, Jared." Evan groaned.

Neil, his father, appeared out of nowhere; carrying at least three more bags. Jared was not sure that all that was necessary, but his parents would never listen to him.

"Smell that, boys. It is the smell of nature. Simply magnificent.”

The boy tried to sniff the air but he could only smell problems and body sweat. Shit, it was so hot ... but sure, whatever his father said.

Suddenly, the two kids were startled by a child near them who started to cry as if the world were ending, while clinging to the leg of what should be his mother. In a blink of an eye Evan was practically glued to Jared, and the he was pretty sure that his friend was holding back the urge to take his hand.

Jared felt his father's hand on his shoulder. The man left it there until his son decided to turn around to see him. Neil looked genuinely happy. He had always liked forests and nature in general. Helen, his mother, was different. She preferred to stay at the house drinking a glass of wine and watching her soap operas. But even with their differences they knew how to plot to make Jared's life a living hell.

"I hope you have fun, son. You know? Back in my day…”

"Yeah, yeah, I know. You were a born leader, the best boy scouts of all time, the forest was your second home, you were the strongest, the faster… oh! And you knew how to start a fire in the rain. I know, Dad.”

Neil stood for a moment in silence watching his son, until he finally decided to fight back.

"That was not what I was going to say," he replied defensively.

" _Mhm_ , sure. So what were you going to say?

The man fell back into silence again, his eyes inspecting every part of Jared's face. The boy thought that probably his father was trying to figure out when his son had become a samartass.

“You know what? Your mother hasn’t said goodbye yet. Helen, dear! Come and say bye to your son.”

 _Nice one dad._ Jared smirked. His parents were a nightmare, but he was learning to outsmart them.

His mother appeared seconds later to hug her son and, as she did, the woman whispered " _Behave_ ", on his ear. Jared pulled away quickly. He didn’t want the other children in the camp to make fun of him.

"And Evan” Said Helen, immediately forgetting his son. “Have fun! I know you'll love it.”

Evan nodded with a smile that showed the fact that he didn’t believe a single word. Jared knew exactly how he felt. The day before, Evan had called him. He was crying, so Jared felt compelled to put his video game on pause. _"I don’t want to go. I really don’t want to go ... What if ... if ... they are mean? What happens if I fall into the lake and everyone laughs? And what if ...?" "Evan, shit, just ... calm down. I'm sure the guys there are going to be dicks, but it's nothing new. Just like school." "That doesn’t help, Jared ..."_

After almost half an hour Jared had succeeded in soothing Evan enough so the boy could go to bed and get some sleep. However, if he was being honest with himself, Jared was nervous too. Not extremely nervous, like Evan Hansen nervous. But yes, the boy was not quite sure about the camp.

After his parents left, all the kids were led by the counselors to center of the camp. They explained the rules, activities, the general schedule, and finally told them where to sleep. It turned out that Evan and Jared cabin was next to the lake. Evan was happy, but Jared knew that emotion would not last. He was pretty sure some of those kids would start telling stories about creepy creatures on the lake sooner or later. Jared really wanted to be wrong about that. He didn’t feel like dealing with a terrified Evan.

“Jared. I want to talk to my mom.”

 "Oh no ..." The boy with his glasses closed his eyes for a moment, preparing himself for what was next. “Evan, _Jesus_. We've just arrived. Wait at least a week. If you still feel shitty then we'll both get out of here.”

The children entered the cabin. It was quite spacious and had a total of five bunk beds, so ten kids would be sleeping there.

“The top bunk is mine!”

Jared ran to the bunk bed, next to window with overlooking the lake and began to climb. Evan followed, dragging his things.

"You don’t have to go too," Evan continued, resuming the chat. "I mean, if I'm a crybaby who wants to go back to his mom doesn’t mean you ..."

Evan put his bag on his bed and sat down.

“Evan. Stop. If you leave, I'm leaving. There's no way I'm staying here without you.” Jared meant it. Staying alone there was crazy. Who would he talk to? Who would be able to understand his jokes? No. If Evan left, Jared would not hesitate for a second to leave too.

Soon afterwards the others kids arrived to the cabin. The eight boys were not the big deal. Some even resembled the typical cool school kids ... basically Jared's worst nightmare. If he had to deal with people like that in a stupid summer camp then he didn’t want to imagine what middle school would be like. Horrible for sure.

It only took the boy a day and a half to remember all the names of his cabin mates. Jared had a good memory, though he usually tried to fool others to think otherwise. In that way, he could make silly jokes and mix people's name, and get away with it. Evan used to always tell him that one day someone would get angry and he would get into trouble ... but Evan always said that about everything Jared did.

On the other hand, Evan was terrible at remember names. Maybe that's why, and for many other reasons too of course, he would rather not talk to the other kids in the cabin. Well, Evan didn’t want to talk to them or to anyone, in fact. If someone wanted to communicate with Evan they had talk to Jared first, and if Evan, for some strange reason, wanted to talk to someone, he always whispered in Jared's ear what he wanted to communicate and to whom. Basically Jared felt like a fucking homing pigeon ... No, like an owl. Yes, that was better. Owls were cooler.

In that way they survived the first days at the summer camp. It was slow and boring. In each activity the counselors, mostly teenagers and young adults, tended to put Jared and Evan in the same groups. Only once had they tried to separate them to play soccer and Evan almost collapsed. From that moment the counselors decided that it would a better idea to keep them together.

But without a doubt the worst was mealtimes. Each time they entered the mess hall Evan was paralyzed. Jared practically had to drag him to the line and had to talk to him all the time so that the boy's nervousness didn’t grow even more. Jared didn't know what would happen if he let Evan's anxiety reach a critical point, but his mother always told him that he shouldn’t let that happen. Jared couldn’t help thinking that that was too much responsibility for a child. Like… what? Was Evan a bomb about to explode and he was the only one able to defuse it? Bullshit.

"Hey, kid. Do you want a steak or chicken sandwich?" The lunch lady asked Evan, who quickly hunched his shoulders and tried to make himself disappear.  Jared wanted to roll his eyes, but instead he stepped forward to capture the woman's attention.

"Chicken." Jared snapped, without hesitation. She didn’t say anything else, simply complied with the order, and placed a chicken sandwich on Evan's tray.

"Thank you," the boy whispered and moved out of the way so Jared could get his food.

Five minutes later the two children were seated at one of the smaller tables, away from the others. Just like at school, Jared thought as he took a good bite of his sandwich. Meanwhile, Evan seemed to be inspecting his food, making sure everything was in order. Jared rolled his eyes. It was so typical. Every time they ate outside of their homes, Evan became extra sensitive to everything that had to do with hygiene and food. As if he didn’t trust anything...as if everyone wanted to poison him.

"Just eat your food, freak." Jared scolded him with his mouth full.

Evan wrinkled his nose as he saw the food inside Jared's mouth. "In a second ... I just need to make sure ..."

“Hi.”

Jared and Evan raised their heads instantly, no one talked to them and they didn’t talk to anyone. That was the routine that had been established since they arrived to the camp. So when Jared saw a red-haired girl with freckles and green eyes in front of them, he knew something weird it was happening.

"Hi." Jared answered in a more aggressive tone than he intended.

"I'm Leah." The girl smiled angelically and Jared was never more sure in his life that something was going on.

“Jared. And he is Evan.” Jared pointed to his friend, who left the sandwich on the table and waved his hand in greeting.

"Hey," whispered the Hansen boy.

“Oh my God. He speaks! Some kids thought you were mute or ... oh wait, I'm sorry I didn’t ... sorry." Leah looked shocked, but not at all regretful. Jared decided to keep that information in his mind in case it was useful later. Evan shook his head and smiled at her, dismissing the matter. "So... it was nice to meet you, Jared ... and Evan. I just thought that it would nice to say hi? I don’t know, I’m sorry again… See you around?”

"Uh, sure ..." Jared watched as Leah smiled again one last time before retreating to his table. The girl sat with several boys from their cabin. Jared could recognize Ben, Jack and Carl, as well as a few girls Jared had only ever seen in the camp activities. That wasn’t a good sign. Ben, Jack and Carl were the “cool boys”. Jared had seen them being douchebags with other kids. If that girl was their friend then that would mean that she wasn’t as adorable as she looked.

As soon as Leah returned to her table, the girls started giggling. Jared was afraid of what that might mean.

"She looked kind." Evan commented, about to take the first bite of his sandwich.

"She looked weird."

That was his first encounter with Leah, but it was definitely not the last one. Days passed and she quickly became a constant in Jared's life. The girl appeared in every activity, every meal, and every free time. The conversations were always short and meaningless, but Leah never stopped smiling, as if every single thing Jared said was the most interesting thing in the world. It was weird. The boy didn’t know if Leah had a master plan and all that was a trap or if she was just that friendly with everyone. Evan suggested one afternoon, after having been doing outdoor crafts for an hour, that the girl could have a crush on Jared. The idea was stupid. No girl had ever felt that way about Jared. Never. And Jared had never felt that way for a girl. In fact, quite the opposite. The boy was sure that it was because at school girls made fun of his glasses. Jared didn’t want to think about how things would be when he had to start wearing braces as soon as he got back from the camp. Teasing would increase, that was for sure.

But back to the Leah ´s subject, the mere idea that she had a crush on him was absurd and Jared would prove it to Evan. How? Well obviously asking her face to face. Jared didn’t want to waste more time than necessary on that matter. So on Friday afternoon, in his free time, Jared left the cabin, much to the dismay of Evan who stayed alone playing cards, and approached Leah and her group of friends. Almost immediately all began giggle. Leah silenced them, visibly embarrassed.

"Hi Jared." She greeted, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.

“Hey. I want to talk to you. In private.”

Leah nodded fiercely before turning to tell her friends that she would be back in a little while. Jared could see how the other girls could not contain the mischievous smiles. A chill ran through the boy's body. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea as he thought it was.

"Come on," Leah said cheerfully, taking him by the hand and leading him into the woods. Jared let himself be dragged while his mind was on Evan and how, maybe, the boy was right after all.

The girl guided Jared to a clearing. They were quite far away from the camp, so much that Jared couldn’t help thinking that if Leah was a serial killer that would be the perfect spot to get rid of him. No one would ever know... Maybe that girl was an evil genius and Jared wasn’t giving her the credit she deserved.

"So what do you want to talk about?" Leah asked, letting go Jared’s hand, and the boy could have sworn that the girl's cheeks were turning red.

"Do you have a crush on me?" The boy quickly ask. There was no trace of emotion in his voice. Jared told himself that it was because he didn’t care at all about the situation or the girl in front of him, but deep inside he knew that maybe it was because he didn’t want to give her hope.

“Yes.”

Leah's response was quick, too. Maybe even, faster than his. Jared blinked a couple of times, totally bewildered. He wasn’t ready for so much honesty all of a sudden. She was unexpectedly blunt.

"Oh." Jared felt dizzy. What kind of response was " _oh_ "? That word was not in his vocabulary, so why on earth had his brain thought on it? An awkward silence came after that, and the boy found himself looking at every part of the forest, from the trees to the grass, even watching a squirrel sneaking into the bushes. Everything, absolutely everything, seemed more interesting than looking into Leah's eyes. Damn it, Evan. Why did he always have to be right?

 "Jared?" Are you okay?" Leah crept dangerously close, and Jared would have backed away if he had been able to move a muscle. But he was frozen. So he just nodded quickly. The boy wondered if Leah could see the panic inside him. She smiled at him and took his hand again. Jared was sweating and that simple fact reminded him of Evan and how his hands were always sweating. The boy swallowed and lifted his head to look at Leah once and for all. The girl was red.

Leah leaned over and before Jared knew what was happening her lips were on his. It was only a second. A touch, a caress, a flash. And then it was over.

The girl's cheeks burned and Jared couldn’t say a single word before she ran off covering her face.

"Um ... Okay." The boy swallowed. That had happened. An adorably cute girl had kissed him. Why?

When Jared returned to the cabin Evan was reading one of the many books he had packed. Jared didn’t even have time to read the title of book. He climbed into his bed and sat there, trying to process what had happened.

“Wh-What happened? What took you so long ... Jared? You're fine?”

Jared couldn’t look at Evan. He should be excited. A girl thought he was cute. Cute enough to kiss him, at least. But Jared was beyond confused. He hadn’t planned that. In fact, he wanted to forget the whole thing.

“Great. Just tired. I think I’m going take a nap.”

Maybe if he ignored what had happened, everything would be back to normal.

But again, Jared was wrong.

The rumors spread and soon everyone was talking about Jared and Leah kissing in the woods. Some versions said that the kiss had lasted five minutes, others that Lea invented the whole thing. No one had any idea that it was hardly a peak. Or maybe they did, but they deliberately ignored it, because the truth was very boring compared to the crazy fantasies of children.

The boy was hoping the week would come to an end so Evan could say something like, "This week was horrible, let's go home," and Jared could answer "Yes, whatever." But on Saturday Jared noticed something odd. The boys in his cabin began to treat him differently. To begin with, they didn’t ignore him. In fact they even chatted with him whenever they could, invited him to spend time with them and even shared a table at mealtime. Jared took a while to really understand what and why everything had changed, but eventually he figured it out. The fact that Leah and he had "kissed" was the novelty of the camp, and he was one of the protagonists. Honestly Jared didn’t understand why that was so important.

But one thing was clear. Jared was getting a lot of attention.

And he had never felt so good.

“And then Ben and I talked about like an hour about video games and then he invited me to be on their team on capture the flag. Isn’t that great? Oh, wait, I didn’t tell you the best part. He said we should stay in touch after the camp!”

Jared hadn’t stopped moving since he entered the cabin. He jumped from side to side and Evan, sitting on his bed and looking calm, followed him with his gaze.

"Evan, I've never had anything like this!" Jared fell back on the bed beside the blue-eyed boy, sighing happily. "And to think that all I had to do was kiss a girl.”

"How was it?" Evan asked a little uneasily.

"What?" Jared asked, still lost in thought.

“The kiss.”

Jared lifted his head, emerging from the trance. He stood up a little, leaning back on his elbows.

“What do you mean?”

"Did you like it?"

Evan's question brought Jared back to earth, forgetting all the cool things that had happened to him that day.

"I guess ... it wasn’t _that_ long to really know," Jared said as he sat on the bed, feeling how he felt more and more irritable as the seconds passed.

"It's just that everyone is talking about it, b-but no one really asked how you felt." Evan started to play with his hands. Jared could see his friend´s cheeks turning red. "I mean, it was your first kiss ... and ..."

"I can’t believe it ... You're just like my mom!" Jared jumped out of bed and stood in front of Evan. His hands on the hips. "Jared, son, you need to express your feelings." The boy imitated his mother's voice surprisingly well, giving it a mocking touch. "Well,I'm sorry, Evan. I'm not like you. I just can’t think about every single thing I think or feel. All I know is that I'm cool now. And you would be too if you stopped worrying so much for once.”

Evan folded his arms automatically and Jared couldn’t help but think it was a defense mechanism. Stupid and adorable at the same time.

"I thought you said they were idiots." Evan attacked and Jared was surprised to hear no trace of nervousness in his voice.

The guy with the glasses opened his mouth to counterattack but just then Ben, Jack and Carl entered the cabin with their hands in their pockets and smiles that disappeared the instant they saw Jared and Evan. Ben was the first to speak.

"Who are idiots?"

Evan looked at Jared pleadingly and the older boy knew he had to take care of the situation.

"Some kids in our school. They are a pain in the ass.”

The three children nodded as if they knew perfectly what Jared meant.

“Whatever. We were looking for you Jared, its lunch time.”

A wave of intense happiness swept over him, and Jared knew at that moment that if he let the others know how excited he was about being invited to eat with them, then that would be the end. He could be that pathetic. He had to play it cool.

"Oh, great." Jared headed to the door, but a second before leaving the cabin he remembered Evan. He turned and saw his friend still with his arms folded and looking at the floor. He felt a twinge of guilt instantaneously. "Hey, Evan. You are coming?"

Evan lay down on the bed, and turned away, facing the window. Jared still felt guilty, but he also thought that his friend was being dramatic.

"I'm not hungry," the boy whispered.

"Oh, come on, don’t be-"

"Jared!"

The boy turned his head and saw that Ben was calling. Jared asked them to give him a second.

"Do you want me to get you something to eat?" Evan didn’t answer. "Okay, whatever. I'm leaving so you can practice you emo attitude in peace."

Jared came out of the cabin; leaving Evan alone ... The guilty was definitely growing at an alarming rate.

 

 

Jared wasn’t a bad person. Evan knew that.

But he was an idiot.

So time went by, and Jared kept hanging out with Ben and the others cool kids, while Evan tried to avoid as much as possible to eat in the mess hall. He couldn’t miss too many meals, or the counselors would realize that something was happening. So the boy forced himself to eat with the others, even though he hated being surrounded by so many strangers. The worst part? It was quite obvious that Jared's friends didn’t want him at their table. When he attended meals he would sit with Jared because his friend wouldn’t allow him to sit alone as a loser... But that implied that Evan had to sit with the “cool kids”, and the fact that no one spoke to him was simply too uncomfortable to put up with.

Instead, when he decided to skip a meal and just go to sleep, Jared would secretly bring him food. Neither of them mentioned it because no one wanted to talk about it. And it was weird. Jared and Evan had never fought before... They just had small arguments ... but nothing serious. The truth was Evan didn’t even fully understand the reason of that particularly fight. It was stupid. Why had everyone lost their minds over a silly kiss? Besides, Leah and Jared hadn’t become bride and groom. In fact they didn’t even talk about it… they didn’t talk about anything, actually. Evan was pretty sure that Jared wasn’t interested in her at all ... but with Leah was a different story. He observed the girl watching Jared all the time. Evan decided not to think about it anymore. He just had to survive two more weeks. He was determined not to call his mother when there was so little time left. So he tried to get the whole Jared and Leah thing out of his head ... until that night.

It was late. Maybe midnight? Evan wasn’t sure. He was having trouble sleeping, and he couldn’t even blame Mike's snoring for that. His mind was thinking of a thousand things at once. What would his mother be doing in those moments? Would be she missing him? He missed her very much. He missed his house, his room, his books and his toys.

Suddenly, Evan felt Jared jumping to the floor, causing his bunk bed to tremble for a few seconds. He was full awake in an instant. Very slowly he turned on his mattress and watched as, stealthily, Jared came out of the cabin. Something strange was happening without a doubt. Evan stood still for a few seconds, not having the faintest idea what to do. He didn’t want to get into Jared's business, but at the same time he was worried about what his friend might be doing. What if he got into trouble? Evan took a deep breath and tried to calm the voices in his head. He wasn’t going to get anxious about it. He was _so_ not going to get anxious about it. It was not going to get ... Jared's voice came to his ears in the form of unintelligible murmurs. Okay, that was it. He needed to know what was happening.

Carefully Evan got out of his bed and approached the window. He opened it, trying to be careful in the process and peered with extremely discretion.

There were Jared and Leah. Whispering. And maybe arguing too? Leah was disturbed, no doubt about it.

"But, Jared... Are you mad at me?

"Uh... No? Why?”

Evan couldn’t see Jared's reaction from his position, but he could imagine the expression of confusion of his friend face.

"You haven´t talk to me again since ... the kiss." Lea emphasized the last word, looking in every direction, as if she were afraid someone would hear her. Evan thought it was dumb. The whole camp knew what had happened ... or at least they thought they knew.

"Oh, that. Sorry, I guess.”

“No... It’s… It's okay. I get it.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. You don’t have time to be with me because you're always looking out for Evan.”

Evan felt his whole body tighten. They were talking about him. He had always suspected she didn’t like him too much, but hearing it was different. Also the way she said it ... It was just awful. He wanted to move, go back to bed and try to forget the whole thing, but Jared began to speak again and Evan's body paralyzed a second time, expectantly.

“That wasn’t what I was going to say at all.” Jared sounded totally confused, but Evan recognized a hint of irritation in his voice.

“Jared, it´s fine. It's not your fault. Your parents are making you spend time with him. Mine tried to do the same thing. They wanted me to be friends with this girl; I think her name was Jessica. Anyway, she was a freak, just like Evan, so I…”

“Shut up!”

Evan walked away from the window abruptly, startled by Jared's sudden change of mood. He sounded so angry. He had already seen his friend like that, and it wasn’t a nice thing to witness. Jared could be intimidating when he was really angry.

“Ja...”

“No shut up. I don’t care." Leah moved and Evan couldn’t see her face anymore, but he was pretty sure the girl must be in shock. "I don’t want to be your boyfriend, or your friend, or anything. Just leave!”

“But I…”

“Leave!”

Evan sprinted, and practically threw himself on his bed. He covered himself with the blankets and closed his eyes. A few seconds later he could hear the door of the cabin closing and fast footsteps. His bed jerked a second time as Jared climbed. Evan let out a sigh. Everything would be fine, Jared hadn’t...

"Don’t pretend to sleep, asshole.”

"How did you know?" Of course Jared had noticed. It was Jared after all. But still, Evan could help but asked.

“I know you. You like stalking people like a creep.”

“What? No! I was not stalki…”

"Can you two shut the hell up?"

Evan wasn’t sure who had spoken, but the message was received loud and clear... Still, he had to say one more thing before going to bed.

"Thank you. You stuck up for me."

The seconds passed and Evan was sure that Jared would not answer. He was wrong.

“Whatever.”

The next day nothing changed. Evan and Jared still hadn’t a conversation longer than five minutes, and the cool kids in the cabin still treated Jared as if he was one of them. Who knows, maybe Jared was one of them. Maybe Leah was right and Evan was just slowing down Jared. Maybe he was just a burden to his friend.

Evan hated the idea of making Jared's life harder, so he decided to give him space. He would let him hang out with his new friends and try to feel happy for him.... A few days later Evan realized that ignoring Jared would be harder than what he thought. Especially since Jared hated being ignored. And in second hand... Evan hated not being able to talk to his only friend.

After a week after spying on the little altercation between Leah and Jared, Evan was leaving the mess hell after lunch, when he began to think that he was just so tired, and it would be best to go home. He would ask one of the counselors to call his mother. The boy simply couldn’t bear the situation. He wanted to cry all the time, and he was afraid to end up doing it in front of the whole camp. However, if Evan called his house his mother would be very disappointed. He knew how happy his mom was when Evan agreed to go to summer camp. The boy didnt want to be the reason for her sadness...

“Hey, Evan, right?”

The boy turned around, startled. No one ever seemed to notice his presence, let alone know his name. At most, it was the boy who was always hiding behind Jared, and that was all. So when he turned around and saw three girls greeting him, he knew something had to be wrong. He tried to remember if he'd screwed something up in those last few days, but considering he'd barely left the cabin he didn’t think that was possible.

“Yes?” He asked without being able to hide his insecurity, while his hands began to cling to the hem of his shirt.

"My name is Esther." said the one who had called him in the first place. She was a girl with blonde hair and a kind expression on her face. “... and they are Gina and Karen.” The other two girls greeted him with a smile.

“Hi ... uh ... Did I do something?”

"Uh? No, no. We just wanted to talk to you.”

"About your friend Jared, and Leah." Said Karen.

"What about them?" Evan asked, concentrating all his energy on not stammering.

The girls shared concerned glances and the boy couldn’t help feeling even more nervous, and somewhat intimidated.

"I don’t know how to say this ... Leah ... she ... god, I feel horrible saying this but she…”

"She's crazy!" Karen exclaimed, stepping forward and earning Esther and Gina's worried looks.

"What?" Evan was lost. Karen's attitude was far more aggressive than he could have imagined.

“She is crazy.” The girl repeated, folding her arms. "She goes to school with us. We were friends but then she ... she started to get angry every time we played with other kids. She became very possessive. We tried to talk to her but ... she just got even angrier and now we don’t talk anymore.”

Evan nodded slowly, trying to process all the new information. But finally he couldn’t continue pretending to have any idea what all this was about. “W-why are you telling me this?”

"Because we think she's trying to do the same to your friend." Esther replied, trying to bring back the calm in the conversation, and forcing Karen to step back.

Evan nodded again, until he suddenly understood what these girls were referring to. The boy looked at them carefully, realizing that perhaps they were right. No, Evan couldn’t judge Leah. He didn’t know her that well ... but these girls seemed pretty sure of what they were talking about.

"I see ... And what ... what can I do?" It didn’t matter that they were right. Evan had no power over the situation. More precisely, Evan had no power over Jared.

Esther shrugged. "I don’t know. He's your friend, right? Friends protect each other." Evan noticed how Gina and Karen smiled with pride at the words of her friend. "Whatever. We just wanted to warn you. You look like a good boy.” Gina said, speaking for the first time. The other two girls nodded energetically, implying that they felt the same way about Evan.

“Okay. Tha-Thanks." Evan managed to say, loosening the hem of his shirt for the first time since the talk had begun.

"You're welcome, dude." Karen answered cheerfully, raising her fist in front of Evan. The boy hesitated a little, but finally he shared with her a fist bump.

The three of them smiled kindly and then retired to the lake. Evan wondered for a second if it would be okay to accompany them. They seemed kind and he hadn’t had much human contact in the last days. In the end he decided that it would be weird to start following them around after a simple conversation, so he returned to the cabin.

After the conversation with the girls, Evan started thinking. He couldn’t leave the camp. He couldn’t leave Jared alone. What if he left and something bad happened? Jared was an idiot, but even more important, he was his friend and Evan couldn’t let him down.

So Evan stayed there, trying to survive that last week, and soon found the pleasant surprise that Gina, Karen, and Esther hadn’t forgotten him after their conversation. In fact, quite the opposite. They greeted Evan every time they saw him and even invited him to sit with them at lunchtime. Evan bet the girls would have no problem in including him in their group of friends, but the boy couldn’t do that _. So many new people, so much anxiety_. Esther, Gina and Karen were enough. They were what he could bear... but still, he was grateful.

Thanks to the three girls Evan found that the days passed faster than he was expecting, and suddenly it was already Friday. In two days they would return to their homes. _Finally_!

Evan left the cabin, ready to face another monotonous and boring activity. Perhaps, if he was lucky, he could read something before dinner time.

As soon as he passed the door of the cabin, the boy could feel the presence of someone behind him. Evan turned, startled, and found Leah leaning against the wall of the cabin, looking at him with her huge green eyes. She didn’t seem to be in a good mood.

“Oh...Hello Leah. Ja-jared is not here.”

“Yes. I know.” The girl answered, approaching the boy. Her face still denoted being angry and Evan felt how he was getting more and more nervous.

“Oh, okay”

Evan tried to keep walking, leave that place. But Leah got in his way in matter of seconds, making the boy take a few steps back.

“I wanted to talk with you.”

"With...with me?" Evan asked as his heart began to beat faster. He didn’t want to be around Leah for many reasons, let alone talk to her.

“Yes. With you.”

“Al-alright…”

“Look. I get it.” The girl said, folding her arms. Evan couldn’t help but think that the position she had adopted was an adult one. It was as if Leah was trying to imitate someone. Maybe her mom, maybe her sister... or maybe her mean attitude was all natural. "You're lonely and sad, and your mom wants you to have friends. But it's not fair what you're doing to Jared.”

“What…?”

"Don’t interrupt me," she complained like a spoiled child. "Jared made new friends here. And more importantly, he has me…”

“Okay ...”

“I didn’t finish!”

Evan would lie if he said he didn’t want to cry like a baby. But he suppressed the tears and simply begged that nightmare to end quickly. To be honest, the boy could understand Leah. Many kids seemed to be little manipulative demons, but most of the time it was their parents' fault ... Even so, Leah was being _really_ mean, and he didn’t think he could stand it much longer.

"I'm sorry ..."

"Don’t say sorry, Evan. She is crazy.”

Leah and Evan turned their heads, startled by the interruption of a new person. Evan almost chocked when he saw his friend watching them.

“What...? Jared! I didn’t…!”

"I don’t want you here. Just go to your cabin and stay there. Alone.”

Jared took a menacing step forward and Evan couldn’t help but think the boy looked really pissed off. In fact, Jared was furious, so much, that Evan stepped back without realizing, intimidated by the aura that his friend was radiating.

"For your information, I'm not a lonely loser!" Leah howled, clenching her fists and leaving that grown up attitude.

“Really? Last time I checked, you had no real friends.”

Leah's teeth were very tight and Evan thought it looked like a bomb about to detonate. The girl growled and Jared could not help laughing sarcastically.

"What with those weird sounds? Are you a dog now?”

"Jared!"  Evan was trying to warn his friends that he has to stop before he said something he would really regret. He knew Jared. If he kept talking like that, with no control at all, he would get in trouble.

“ _Excuse me_?”

"Oh, my fault. You're not a dog, you're a bitch.”

"Jared!"

He couldn’t believe what he had heard. Jared shouldn’t call a girl like that ... Jared shouldn’t call anyone like that!

Evan was in shock, his gaze moving from Leah to Jared at an alarming rate. The girl's face was red, but not due to shame, but to an unstoppable fury. Jared on the other hand could not be more chill. Evan envied that attitude, and at the same time made him mad. It was obvious that the situation was delicate and Evan was in the middle of it. It was like witnessing the eruption of a volcano. It was going to be chaotic, violent ... and probably someone was going to die. Evan shouldn’t be there.

"What did you just call me?" Leah's voice distilled venom. "I'm going to tell-"

“Go ahead. Tell everybody if you want. I don’t give a shit. We're going home in two days.”

Leah was about to explode, and Evan thought he might faint at any moment. Many things were happening at the same time and he hated being in the middle of everything. But Jared ... he didn’t seem to mind anything that was happening at all. Again. Evan wished he could be that relaxed, but at the same time, _Why he had to be like that?!_

The girl opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, until finally, with her fists tightened; she left, pushing Evan on the shoulder in the process.

“Hallelujah! Okay, now that the crazy one is gone from our lives, how about ...?”

"Jared! Oh God. You have to apologize!”

“What?” Jared was genuinely confused. A little irritated, but mostly confused, as if he didn’t understand at all what Evan was talking about.

"You need to apologize. You can’t just ... You ... Oh god Jared. Leah will tell everyone and you will get into trouble. And I will also get in trouble because I was a witness and I did nothing to defend her. And... Oh no! What if this end up in my personal file? What if I can’t go to college? What if…?

"Personal File? College? What the fuck are you talking about? ...Evan! Oh God. Are you really hyperventilated?”

Of course not. He was fine. He was perfect ... just a little nervous. Okay, maybe he was hyperventilating just a little bit. But in his defense, the situation deserved it. Jared just called a girl a... Evan didn’t even want to think about that word. It didn’t matter that Leah was mean and manipulative. It was still bad. His mother had taught him that he should never call anyone like that. Oh God. If his mother found out about this she would be very disappointed.

"I'm fine," Evan said, trying to breathe properly. "But you have to apologize."

“No way. She is a b...”

"Jared!"

"I'm not going to say sorry!"

“You have to do it.”

“I am not gonna to do it!”

“You _have_ to!”

"I can’t believe it!" Jared raised his arms to the sky. He seemed extremely frustrated. “Okay, I'll do it. But god, you're a pain in the ass.”

Evan watched his friend walk away from him, dragging his feet. He didn’t think Leah was really going to forgive him, but at least it was something. Perhaps if the counselors or their parents find out that Jared had apologized, the punishment wouldn’t be that bad. Okay, he seriously needed to calm down. Everything would be fine; Jared had everything under control ... dang it, that didn’t sound realistic at all. Evan sighed and ran a hand over his face. It was getting late, it would be best to go to the camp activity and trust that his friend could fix the mess that he had gotten into because of his huge mouth.

The next day Evan woke up with the surprise that none of the other boys would say a word to Jared. His friend didn’t mention anything about it, so he didn’t bring it up either. But when Jared sat next to him at breakfast, while everyone else looked at them disapprovingly from a remote table, Evan knew that the friendship between Jared and the boys had finally come to an end. He would be lying if he didn’t say it felt good to have Jared back. But he couldn’t say that everything had returned to be normal. The whole Camp seemed to have heard of the "fight," and as expected most of the kids were on Leah's side. The adults weren’t fools, it was obvious that Jared had stopped talking to the others overnight, but considering the camp was over in a day and a half Evan thought they would not want to get involved. However when one of the campers spoke about what happened near one of the counselors, the adults couldn’t continue ignoring the subject. Jared and Leah were called apart and forced Jared to apologize. Again. After a long chat, of course, about what was right and what was not.

When Jared returned to the cabin Evan really wanted to ask him every detail of the talk, but he only managed a weak _"How was everything?"_ Which Jared answered without giving too many details. They went to sleep without speaking about the subject again. Jared didn’t want to talk and Evan was not going to force him.

Evan dreamed being in the woods with his mother. He had gone with her several times, so it was a rather realistic dream. Except for a couple of things, like blue squirrels or giant trees. Evan had seen enormous trees in his life, but those of his dream were way too big, so much that they made him feel like a dwarf. But he wasn’t scared. In fact, quite the opposite. The boy felt happy there, next to his mother, and surrounded by so much life. They walked and walked and laughed, and she hugged him tightly. Everything was peaceful and welcoming. Like his mom. But the enormous trees began to multiply, and suddenly their intimidating figures covered the sunlight. Everything turned dark, and his mother disappeared. Evan shouted, desperate, but the woman was nowhere to be found. Terrified, the boy began to run, still calling for her. His feet hit a stone and the boy began to fall in slow motion.

Evan sat up in bed, agitated. What had begun as a common dream had become a nightmare. The boy was sure it was because he didn’t see his mother in weeks. Everyone was sleeping, and some even snored. Evan checked the time. It was almost six o'clock in the morning. His eyes fell on the window. The darkness was dissipating. Dawn would soon light up everything. It was the perfect time to go out and enjoy the sunrise. So, trying to be extremely careful, Evan got outta bed and took his jacket. He put on his shoes he tied the laces quickly. Straightening up again, he glanced at Jared. For a moment he wanted to wake him up, ask him to go with him, but that idea only lasted for a second. He didn’t want to disturb him. His friend was already going through enough things and deserved a good rest.

The boy opened the door carefully and step outside. The morning breeze caressed his face and played with his hair. Evan zipped his jacket and, with his hands in his pockets, headed for the lake.

It was rare to see the camp so peaceful. No one was screaming or running. No one wanted to talk to him or laugh at him. It was a relief without a doubt.

Evan sat down by the lake. He was grateful to have taken a jacket. It was summer, but still the dawn could be cold. Evan hugged his knees closer to him.

The wind felt good on his face. Evan could not help thinking that if all the drama hadn’t happened, if were only him, Jared and his mom there. Then he really would have enjoyed summer camp. It was definitely one of the best views Evan had ever witnessed in his life. It was so peaceful. The boy tried to keep the landscape in his mind so he could remember it whenever he felt nervous or anxious.

Evan felt the presence of someone behind him and found himself wishing it were Jared.

When the boy heard a sarcastic laugh at his side he knew that his wish had come true.

"I think I fucked up my reputation." Jared sat down beside him.

"Why are you laughing then? Aren’t you angry?”

"It's like I told Leah. Tomorrow we will leave this shit hole and it won’t matter anymore.” The boy with glasses took a stone and threw it towards the lake.

"Do you really think you won’t get in trouble? You told her a lot of... mean things. What if she accuses you with her parents?”

Jared simply shrugged. He had his eyes lost in the landscape and Evan was having trouble seeing his eyes as dawn light directly impacted on the boy's glasses. It was sad, Evan concluded. Jared seemed to be used to disappointing his parents. Evan thought to himself that if he had been in Jared's position he would probably have gone insane. Seeing his mother disappointed was his worst nightmare.

“Hey, Jared...”

“Huh?”

"I never ... I ... I still didn’t thank you."

Jared nodded but remained silent for a few seconds, and Evan wondered how many things were going through the boy's head. _Should I ask him? Should I talk to him_? In the end they were alone by the lake, witnessing a beautiful dawn. Maybe the atmosphere was perfect for having a deep chat ... or maybe Evan was being too positive. Jared was always going to be Jared. No matter the circumstances. If something Evan had learned in those years was that if the boy didn’t want to talk about something then he was not going to do it. It was impossible to change his mind.

"I don’t know if I did it for you or for me." Jared confessed in a whisper, still staring into the lake.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…shit! That crazy girl was my first kiss. That ... sucks." Jared took another stone and threw it violently into the water.

“I know ... I'm sorry.”

And he was. He really was. Evan had always thought the first kiss should be special. It wasn’t something that could be repeated or undone ... okay; maybe thinking like that was something dramatic, but still.

Jared shrugged, taking another stone. However, instead of throwing it into the depths of the lake, the boy stared at it, lost in thought. Evan decided to wait. He didn’t want to be responsible for interrupting the moment. Jared ended up dropping the stone to the floor.

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter anymore, I guess. It's just a stupid kiss.”

Evan sighed. Maybe he was right. Maybe it didn’t really matter who you had your first kiss with. The boy had his doubts, as always, but if Jared decided that the kiss with Leah had meant nothing, then he would accept it. What else could he do? Argue with Jared and make him feel even worse?

"Okay," Evan answered quietly, taking the stone Jared had left earlier on the ground and tossing it into the lake, bouncing off multiple times on the surface until finally it also sank.

"Stop showing off, jerk." Jared said, smiling sideways and earning a giggle from Evan. "Come on, freak, maybe if we're lucky we can sleep a few more hours."

Jared stood up and Evan imitated him.

His parents would be there in a few hours, and Evan was anxious. All he'd wanted in those weeks at camp was to be with his mother again, but things had changed. When Mrs. and Mr. Kleinman arrived at the camp, surely one of the counselors would inform them of Jared's bad behavior, and they wouldn’t be happy about it.

Evan thought he should help Jared somehow. Maybe explaining to them that Leah wasn’t that innocent either, or maybe blaming himself. All he knew was that Jared didn’t deserve to take full responsibility for what had happened. Part of it, of course. But all? No way.  After all, he wasn’t the only one involved in the situation.

“Can you believe it?” Jared asked suddenly, as they approached the cabin door, interrupting Evan's thoughts. "Soon we'll be in middle school. Isn’t that fucking crazy?

Jared tried to hide it but Evan could feel the emotion in his voice. They were about to enter a new phase in their lives and it was completely terrifying. But if Jared was still his friend then, Evan thought, everything would be all right ... maybe.


	6. Panic Atack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IM NOT DEAD  
> hi!  
> So, let me explain, first of all, thanks as always for your lovely reviews. You are awesome, I love you. Second, I was working on my thesis because Im graduating from college next month, so I couldnt write for weeks. And now Im going to have my finals, so bye free time again.  
> So I figured that I should post something now.  
> Hope you like it, I couldn't check if everything was okay, so maybe I messed up at some parts, sorry about that,  
> Enjoy!

Jared got up that morning with the news that he would stop going to the psychologist.   
According to his mother, it was no longer necessary. But, what did he think about it? Bullshit.  
He couldn’t believe how, after all that time fighting with his parents because he refused to go to a stupid psychologist, Jared had finally got used to that person. Evan had been right... as always. A psychologist wasn’t the worst thing in the world; in fact sometimes it seemed that he was the only adult able to understand how Jared felt, even when he himself didn’t know how he felt.  
But now ... oh, now his parents had the nerve to decide, out of nowhere, that Jared was "cured." How dare they? It wasn’t like they knew shit about him. His father spent all day at the office, and his mother only spoke to him as if he were another of her patients. And Jared was so frustrated all the time ... but of course, if his parents said he didn’t need help anymore, then great! Whatever they said ... after all, since when did they care what their son had to say?  
Jared's only hope, though he was ashamed to admit it, was Evan Hansen. Because when Evan was with him everything ... well, everything was still shit. But it was tolerable at least. And "tolerable" was enough for Jared.  
However, that morning Jared didn’t even notice when Evan got on the bus, but the Hansen boy appeared from nowhere next at his side, and immediately asked if something was wrong. Jared didn’t want to lie, so he told him about his parents and the psychologist. He didn’t go into detail because it wasn’t really necessary, and more important, he wasn’t in the mood to open up in the middle of a bus at 7 A.M. Therefore, as soon as he finished telling Evan what happened, the boy wasted no time to draw a topic of conversation at something else.  
“No, that's stupid. Batman would definitely beat Superman.” Jared said as they got off the bus. The kid hoped that the school would distract him from the whole situation at home. But the further he went into the building, the more he believed that wouldn’t be possible.  
“What? What are you talking about? Superman is indes-indestructible.”  
“Uh ... Have you heard of kryptonite?”  
“Yeah, but ...”  
“Hello fellow students!”  
Evan stopped short, startled, and Jared; inevitably because of the inertia, collided with him. The oldest boy cursed under his breath as he adjusted his glasses.  
In front of them was a girl of their age, dark hair held by a braid and glasses larger than Jared's. She had a huge smile and shiny braces. In her hands she held several papers. Jared examined her a little more. Yes, he knew her for sure. What was her name? Angela? Ashley? A…?  
“Alana. Alana Beck.”  
Yep, that was it. Alana Beck. Jared had math with her. She was probably the smartest girl in class ... and also the weirdest.  
“Future class president. Pleasure to meet you.” Alana said, extending to hand, probably hopeful that they would shake it. But Evan was starting to get nervous and Jared just wasn’t interested in doing it, and since she wasn’t stupid, Alana lowered her arm, defeated, but without losing her smile.  
“Uh... Future what?”  
“You know we're only eleven, right? Just ... go play with your friends and leave us alone.”  
Jared received a "subtle" elbowed from Evan on the arm, but Alana didn’t flinch at all at the mean comment.  
“Anyway, have a brochure.” The girl said extending two leaflets in which could be read "Save the chess club."  
Jared looked at the brochures, then at Evan, and finally at Alana. A giggle escaped his lips, and he didn’t even bother to hide it. Alana watched him silently, confused, while the smile on her face began to slowly disappear.  
“Chess Club? Really?”  
“Yes, of course.” Alana put the pamphlets in her backpack, and when she raised her head, her smile had reappeared. “It is very important. Universities have these kinds of clubs on mind.”  
“Univers…? Oh my god ... She's crazy." Jared whispered to Evan, knowing perfectly that Alana could hear them.  
“No, I'm not.” The girl answered, full of confidence. “The universities take everything into account. So we must be one step ahead.”  
“We are almost twelve. We have time. God.” Said exasperated Jared.  
"Did you say ev-everything?" Asked Evan terrified, daring to look into Alana's eyes.  
“Great, you're scared him.” Jared said quickly, interrupting Alana who was already opening her mouth to answer. “We're leaving. Good luck with ... your things.”  
Alana shouted a goodbye while Jared practically dragged Evan into the school.  
“Is that ... is that true?”  
“For fuck sake... No. Just relax. That girl is crazy. I heard that she eats alone during lunch.”  
“We eat alone during lunch.” Reflected Evan approaching a little more to Jared, while trying not to collide with anyone in the busy corridors.  
“Yes ... but that's different.”  
“How come?”  
“Because! We're cool." Jared said irritably, as they reached Evan's locker.  
"Are we?" Evan asked again, skeptical, as he opened his locker and began to place his belongings into that confined space.  
“I’m more cool than you, for sure...” Jared leaned back against the wall while watching Evan putting his things on the locker. “But yes.”  
Evan looked at Jared for a few seconds. Reproach reflected in his eyes. But the kid didn’t say a word. Jared smiled. His day could be totally tolerable with Evan.  
“Whatever. I have to go to my locker and you have to go to math. See you at recess?”  
“Ja ... Jared. Can you walk with me to my cl-class?”  
"Again?” Jared exhaled exaggeratedly. "Okay. But you have to start going alone.”  
Evan nodded and closed his locker.  
Since the beginning of the school year, Jared had had to walk Evan to each one of his classes. One time, the boy had completely forgotten, causing Evan ended up falling apart in a sea of tears. To avoid more accidents like that one, Jared decided to walk him everywhere. His mother wouldn’t be happy if she found out that Jared made her friend's son cry ... besides he didn’t feel good leaving Evan in that state.  
However some days Jared had to admit, he just didn’t want to do it. He needed his space. After all, it was his friend, not his babysitter.  
That was one of those days; and Jared knew that Evan was aware of that. But they didn’t mention it.   
Still, Jared's horrible mood was impossible to hide. The boy was unbearably irritable all morning. Deep inside, he thanked God that Evan was so patient with him. Jared admitted it; he could be a pain in the ass sometimes... okay, most of the time.  
"So ... this was the most fucking boring day in history." Jared declared while leaving school, after an interminable day.  
Evan nodded with a shy smile and Jared was about to imitate him, unconsciously, when a jerk hit him.   
“Out of the way, four eyes!”  
“What did you call me, idiot ?!”  
Jared took a few steps forward, walking away from Evan and approaching dangerously to the boy who had pushed him. But that kid seemed not to care at all, and simply walked away from there as if nothing had happened. Jared stayed in the place, shouting insults while watching him walk away. Finally he decided that he should calm down before a teacher decides to give him a detention. He didn’t need more problems.  
“Anyway, as I was telling you ...” Jared turned around just as Evan was about to get into his car, followed closely by Heidi.  
“Oh... great. Thanks for leaving me alone!” Jared exclaimed but Evan couldn’t hear him anymore. “Asshole...”

It was quite common for Evan and Jared to call each other on Thanksgiving. They didn’t spend hours talking, just a few minutes. Jared enjoyed talking to Evan because it was the perfect excuse to get away from his crazy aunts; and he liked to believe that Evan also enjoyed talking with him.  
So when Jared didn’t receive any calls from Evan during Thanksgiving, the boy couldn’t help feeling horrible all day long. Sometimes he was an idiot and said offensive things. Maybe Evans had finally gotten tired of him? Jared thought it would be for the best to call him himself, but when he did, no one answered the phone at the Hansen house. Jared waited a while and then dialed the number again. Nothing. The boy hung the phone with a little too much force and leaned against the wall, frustrated. Why? Evan had been acting weird lately and Jared had no idea why. Maybe he needed his space. Maybe he just didn’t want to talk to him. Jared frowned involuntarily. That wasn’t a nice thought. The best thing would be to give up. It was pathetic to keep calling. The boy didn’t want to look desperate or anything like that...  
"Evan is not at home, love." Her mother explained to him when she saw her son trying for the fifth time to call his only friend.  
"What? I wasn’t...I don’t care. Whatever. " Jared replied quickly, startled; having been taken by surprise. The boy clumsily hung up the phone and walked away from his sneaky mother. "I'll be in my room if you need me.” The boy declared, heading for the stairs.  
"Okay, but remember dinner will be in ten minutes. Your aunts want to know everything about that summer camp."  
Jared felt a chill run down his spine, as an involuntary response to horrible memories of that camp. The boy began to climb the stairs, trying to forget all that, but seeing that his mother was returning to the kitchen, Jared couldn’t help himself from asking.  
"Why isn’t he at home?"  
Helen turned around. A compassionate smile adorned her lips. Jared felt it was a condescending smile… Yeah. That was the proper use of that word. The boy had learned it recently and had been looking for the right time to use it.  
"He's in Colorado, spending Thanksgiving with his father."  
"His... father" Jared muttered thoughtfully.  
"Yes, his father. Maybe ... maybe it would be better to explain you what's happening. But not now, okay? Tomorrow."  
Jared nodded, still immersed in his thoughts. Evan's father had never been there. His friend never mentioned him and his mother had only told him that the man had left from Heidi and Evan´s lives long time ago. So why now? Why had he decided to reappear? It didn’t make sense. Jared spent ten minutes lying on his bed, watching the star-shaped stickers glued to his ceiling ... Just thinking. Now he understood why Evan had been acting so strange. He couldn’t wait to go back to school and talk to his friend.  
The day after the Thanksgiving dinner, her mother explained a little more about Evan's father. But not enough. According to his mother, that man had left one day, leaving Helen and Evan behind. That only made Evan's condition worse. When Jared asked her to explain more about Evan's condition, his mother, for the first time in all those years, used the term "Anxiety." Jared always knew that Evan was different, but now he had a word for it.  
However, it wasn’t enough. Nothing that his mother could explain to him was ever going to be enough. Not until he talk to Evan. Not until he knew how he felt about it.  
So when school started again, Jared couldn’t contain the anticipation. He wanted to know everything...but his disappointment was enormous when he realized that Evan wasn’t there. Jared was forced to eat alone that day, just like the rest of the weirdos: Alanna Beck, Jimmy Smith, Sandra Thomson, and of course: Connor Murphy.  
Evan appeared next day, out of nowhere. He hadn’t even taken the bus. Jared found his friend sitting on the last chair in the classroom looking out the window, totally space out. Holding onto the straps of his backpack to little too tight, Jared moved toward Evan, trying to sort out his thoughts. In the first place Jared was angry. He´d had to endure a day in almost complete solitude without even a warning. Jared knew how to be alone ... But he had gotten used to Evan´s company.  
"Where were you yesterday!?" Evan turned his head at once, coming back to the real world. "I had to have lunch with a handful of losers. Alana talked about the stupid chess club for half an hour. Half an hour! I almost begged Connor Murphy to throw me out the window.”  
Evan didn’t respond right away. The boy had dark circles under his eyes and seemed to be about vomiting at any time. Jared instinctively took a step back.  
“Shit ... You look terrible.”  
“Oh...Sorry. I-I didn’t sleep well last night.”  
Jared nodded in complete silence, his eyes tracing Evan's features. That seemed to be more than just a night of bad sleep. His mother's words invaded his brain and Jared opened his mouth ready to speak, but didn’t make a sound. He had so many questions, and none seemed appropriate.  
The classroom door opened and their teacher entered. Evan jumped with a start, and Jared imitated him. Undoubtedly her friend was more nervous than usual.  
“We'll talk later.” Jared said quickly before taking a seat. Hopefully by lunchtime Evan would feel better...  
But it wasn’t the case.  
Jared was used to Evan being quiet. It had never been a problem, because in the end, Jared loved to talk and people paying attention to him. Evan was very good at that ... however, saying he had enjoyed lunch would be a huge lie. Evan didn’t eat, he didn’t talk, and Jared was not even sure he was listening. Evan´s body tensed from the moment they entered the cafeteria. He seemed uncomfortable and scared. Every noise made him startle. Jared was used to that. Most of the time he managed to calm Evan by distracting him with some funny anecdote. But not that time. No matter how much he talked, Evan wasn’t relaxing at all. Usually, Jared would suggest having lunch outside, but it was raining. That wasn’t his lucky day for sure.  
But somehow both survived lunchtime; and Jared thought they also would survived until the end of the day. But again, he was wrong.  
His history teacher was about to start talking about the American Revolution, when the vice principal interrupted the class.  
“I’m sorry for the irruption. Could Jared Kleinman come with me?”  
The boy put his pen down on the desk and stood up, trying to ignore all the glares of his classmates, and the endless whispers. As soon as they left the classroom, the vice principal smiled at him.  
“You are not in trouble, relax. But your friend Evan Hansen doesn’t feel well.”  
“Wait. What? What happened? Some jerk pushed him again? Last month that idiot Shane Jarson pushed him, and Evan kept complaining that his foot hurt for days.”  
“Hey, language ... Wait. Why didn’t you say something?”  
Jared shrugged clearly thinking it wasn’t relevant.   
“Okay ... We'll talk about that later. Follow me”  
The man guided Jared to the infirmary. Evan was there, reclining on a stretcher. His red eyes were swollen, like he'd been crying.  
“Your mom is on the way. I'll leave you alone now." Said the vice director.  
Evan nodded and, with Jared, saw how the man left the infirmary.  
“Okay. What's going on?”  
Evan looked away, and Jared could swear he looked embarrassed.  
“I don’t feel well.” Answered in a whisper Evan, while his hands were opening and closing tightly.  
“Yeah ... I can see it.” Jared sat on the chair next to the exam room table. “If you want I can tell you about my Thanksgiving. I mean, it was pretty boring, but my aunt Rachel brought her cat and...”  
“Don’t.” Jared left his mouth open for a moment, still astonished that Evan had interrupted him. “Could you ... talk about, about anything else? Please...”  
Jared crossed his arms and frowned. “Okay, but you are missing a great story ... Did I tell you about my new X-Men comic?”  
Evan shook his head and Jared smiled satisfied, ready to start talking. Evan's mood didn’t improve, but this time he was paying attention, and for a second Jared thought he saw him smile. He wasn’t going to admit it, but something inside him felt an almost instantaneous relief at seeing a glimmer of hope that Evan would be fine.  
Finally Heidi arrived at school, with her hospital clothes on. The woman barely greeted Jared before pouncing over her son. The nurse asked him to leave them alone, and Jared obeyed without saying a word, mildly hurt by the fact that Evan didn’t even say goodbye to him.  
When Jared arrived at his house that afternoon, he soon overwhelmed his mother with questions. "What is happening with Evan? Why was he acting so weird? Why was he crying? Is it because of that thing… the anxiety? "  
Her mother again explained what having anxiety entailed, and this time she tried to be much more specific so that her son could understand even better what Evan was going through. Jared fell into a deep silence throughout the explanation, and when his mother finished he said he would be in his room playing video games. It was, without a doubt, too much information to assimilate.  
At dinner, while he and his parents were sitting at the table, his mother told him that she had called Heidi.   
“Why did you do that?” Asked Jared horrified, dropping his fork. Immediately he felt his father's stern gaze on him.   
“Because you need to talk to Evan.” His mother replied, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  
“So you are gonna force me to do it?”  
“Well, it seemed to be the only option, honey.”  
“Of course is not!”  
"Lower your voice, son." His father scolded him, and Jared rolled his eyes in response.  
“Also” Continued his mother “I'm not the only one who thinks like that. Heidi called. We think it would be good if you and Evan have a little chat. So it is decided. We are going this Saturday to their house. Just get over it.”  
Jared let out an exaggerated grunt, but didn’t say another word about it. His parents exchanged disguised glances and continued to eat. Jared barely noticed them when they started talking about their respective days. His thoughts were on Saturday and what would happen when he came face to face with Evan. Part of him was pretty sure that no banal talk about comics and video games could cheer his friend up this time.  
Friday night Jared could hardly sleep. He stayed up late listening to the fight his parents were having downstairs, as he silently watched his ceiling, full of stars, planets and comets. Finally, and after putting headphones to cover all the fuss at home, the boy fell asleep.  
Heidi looked terribly tired when she opened the door the next day. The woman greeted them with a smile, and immediately indicated to Jared that Evan was at his room. The boy nodded and glanced briefly at his mother before climbing the stairs. Part of him wanted to run away. He could feel the awkwardness in every part of his body. As much as he wanted to talk to Evan, the truth was that Jared sucked at those kinds of emotional stuff.  
The boy entered the room without knowing how to feel. But all his frustrations, all his rage against his parents, all his insecurities, all negative emotion vanished when he saw Evan sitting on the bed, cross-legged and scared. Why was he scared? Jared felt something inside him had broken when he saw his friend in that condition. Evan had always been too emotional, but something told Jared that this was different, that this was really important, and that something really bad could happen if Evan didn’t get the help he clearly needed.  
“Hey.” Jared greeted, closing the door behind him. It was very weird to feel uncomfortable near Evan, the only person with whom Jared could be himself. But in those moments Evan looked like a helpless animal, and Jared had to be careful not to scare him away.  
“Hey”  
Jared didn’t move. He was waiting for a signal. Something that made him understands that it was okay to get closer.  
“Uh ... Everything okay?” Jared closed his eyes a second, mentally slapping himself.  
Evan shrugged.  
“My mom called you?”  
“Yes.”  
“Would you like to ... sit down?”  
Jared nodded, and without wasting time he walked to the bed, sitting next to Evan. They stayed like that, mired in a silence that at each second became more and more awkward. Jared's eyes wandered around the room. Everything was more interesting than Evan's face.  
“Sorry.” His friend whispered, and Jared was forced to look at him.  
“For what?”  
“The other day, at school. I freaked you out, didn’t I?”  
“A little bit…”  
The boy didn’t think that lying to Evan was a good idea at that time. Even so, he couldn’t help feeling bad when he saw Evan's face ... If he was being honest; Jared had no idea what to do… as always.

 

Evan had woken up that morning believing that the worst thing in the world was having a pimple on his forehead. His mother insisted that it was normal. Puberty was slowly hitting him. But Evan refused to go to school. Everyone would laugh at him. It would be a real disaster ... and putting a bag on his head was not an option.  
"It's normal, swettie." Her mom had said gently running her fingers on his hair. "But if someone messes with you, you tell me and I'll take care of it. Ok?" Evan responded with a genuine smile and asked his mother what would happen if Jared messed with him. Heidi simply repeated, deadpan, “I’ll take care of it ".  
So there was Evan, with the backpack on his shoulder and his anxiety growing inside him as he waited for the bus to arrive. The boy decided to get distracted thinking that he couldn’t wait for the weekend. His mother had promised him they would go to Ellison State Park, probably one of his favorite places in the whole world. Evan sighed trying to arm himself with courage. The plans for the weekend were an excellent distraction, but the bus had already appeared, making a turn on his block. The doors opened and Evan took a deep breath. He avoided crossing glances with the other kids, clinging to the straps of his backpack. The boy found Jared almost in last seat, looking out the window. Evan prepared to hear a series of jokes about his pimple; however when he sat down Jared barely looked at him. At first Evan felt horrible about it. Had he done something to anger Jared? But it didn’t take long for the boy with glasses to confess that he had a fight with his parents ... again. Evan tried to talk about it, but Jared seemed to just want to forget the whole thing. So that's what they did. They talked about comics and movies, and everything that could distract Jared.  
When they arrived at the school Jared and Evan were startled by a girl whom Evan had seen several times but, as always, he had no idea what her name was. "Alana Beck" she would say, with a giant smile and an overly overwhelming attitude for Evan's liking. The boy wanted to be positive and think he could remember her name ... but a voice inside him laughed at that mere thought of that. The most likely thing was that in a week the girl's face would return to be the only thing he remembered about her ... That and her energetic personality, of course.  
The classes passed, monotonous, except for the English class, where the teacher asked them to write their plans for the weekend. Evan couldn’t contain the emotion and all his blank page was filled immediately with curious facts about the flora and fauna of Ellison Park. His teacher smiled at the sight of the sheet and Evan felt proud of himself for a second.  
But besides that? Yes ... it had been a pretty boring day. And Jared felt the same.  
"So ... this was the most fucking boring day in history," Jared commented as they both made their way to the front door, having been complaining all morning about every little thing. Evan knew that his friend was dealing with a lot of things, but even so, Jared could be annoying when he was in a bad mood; and it only got worse when a boy collided with him after school and Jared just went crazy. Evan was used to Jared's insults, but he still didn’t like to hear them, especially because teachers could give him a detention.  
"Is he ok?" Eva turned her head to see Alana and smiled gladly that he hadn’t forgotten her name yet. However, his smile disappeared in a second, when he realized that the girl was talking to him. Oh no. He wasn’t good with chitchat.   
"Ye ... yeah. He-He is gonna be fine. "  
"Well ... he doesn’t look fine ... Anyway. Here is a brochure. Your friend didn’t want to accept it in the morning, which was a very bad idea. You see, I didn’t have time to explain but the chess club may be very necessary in the future, it broadens your way of thinking, which in college will be extremely important. So here, take it. "  
Evan took the brochure feeling dizzy from the amount of words that had come out of Alana's mouth in a matter of seconds, and found himself straining to remember that she was only eleven years old. She was ridiculously smart. Alana smiled at him and walked away, handing out pamphlets to everyone who crossed her path. Evan looked at his own pamphlet and smiled sadly thinking that he would like to be that confident and smart. Evans looked up, and he was surprised to find that his mother was on the sidewalk, waiting for him. It was weird. Very weird. Evan completely forgot to say goodbye to Jared, and he met his mother, who smiled at him in a way that he knew so well. It meant "We need to talk." Evan hated that smile because it always caused him nausea and his stomach would start hurting. And that time was not different.  
When they arrived at the house Heidi had him sit on the sofa and then squatted in front of him, holding his hands.  
"Your father called. He wants you to spend Thanksgiving with him. "  
Before a wave of mixed feelings washed over him, the boy had only one clear thought. They would not go to Ellison State Park that weekend. He would have to be taking a plane to Colorado if he wanted to be there in time for Thanksgiving.  
But then the wave of feelings devastated him, and he was struck by the realization that his father wanted to see him after two years of barely having any contact. At first, after the divorce, his dad was present, or at least he tried to be. But that had changed pretty quickly.  
Evan was struck by the realization that he didn’t know if he wanted to see him. He was struck by the realization that perhaps seeing him and hugging him was the only thing he had wanted to do for a long time. But, the most important thing, Evan was struck by the realization that he wasn’t being able to read the feelings that were quickly appearing on his mother's face. Finally, he convinced himself that she was also experiencing conflicting emotions.  
"He offered to pay for the plane. So money wouldn’t be a problem ... but I don’t want to do something that you don’t ... I mean. Whatever you choose will be fine. "  
But it was a lie. Nothing would be fine. Evan could feel his hands begin to tremble and his eyes fog with tears. Before he knew it, his breathing was ragged, and his mother was holding him in a protective way, while he struggled not to fall apart. His psychologist had told him that anxiety could be hard to handle, but he had never felt as bad as he felt at the time. Everything seemed to tremble around him. Everything seemed to fall apart and Evan couldn’t help thinking that he was going to suffocate at any moment, because, really, his breathing was so freaking irregular. Heidi stayed by his side, hugging him, until everything slowly returned to normal.  
After a long conversation with the psychologist, Heidi decided that it would be best for Evan not to fly to Colorado. But the boy insisted that it would only be a few days, and his mother, probably feeling guilty that her son didn’t have a decent father, decided to give her ex-husband one last chance. Evan felt bad about leaving his mother on Thanksgiving, but she assured him she would spend it with his grandmother.  
So Evan sacrificed his visit to Ellison Park, just to give his father a chance. And he really wanted to stay realistic, remember that man had barely spoken to him in the past two years ... but Evan was eleven years old, and when he saw his father waiting for him at the airport to board the next plane to Colorado, Evan couldn’t help but cry.  
They spoke the whole flight. Evan told him about his favorite subjects, books, trees and Jared. His father told him about Colorado, his new home, his new wife.  
When he arrived at his father's house, Evan noticed the difference right away with his. It was bigger, with a huge front yard, located in the richest area of the suburbs. Evan couldn’t help thinking that it was unfair considering that his mother worked tirelessly and still there were many debts to pay. But the boy thought he could leave all that behind and spend Thanksgiving with his father in peace ... oh, he was so wrong. As soon as they reached the house, Stephanie, her "stepmother" opened the door and Evan's heart stopped. The woman had a small baby in her arms. His father would explain later that the reason he wanted him to come was that he thought it was important that he meet his half-brother. But after the vision of Stephanie with her son in her arms, Evan wanted to leave right away. He wasn’t comfortable with the situation, and his father didn’t help him feel better either. He just kept talking about his new son. Stephanie tried to show interest in Evan and asked if he was doing any sport, to which the boy responded by shaking his head. Evan could see the disappointment in his father's face.  
So the days passed and in each one of them Evan was feeling worse and worse. He almost cried of relief when he was packing his bags to return home.  
When Evan saw his mother after those three days of agony, he ran to hug her. Heidi answered the hug tightly, while giving her ex-husband a murderous look. The man didn’t even understand why his son was acting like that.  
"He hardly spoke to me and he cried all the time. You're raising a weak boy, Heidi."  
"Don’t you dare talk like that about Evan."  
No matter how much they whispered, Evan could hear them, sitting in the front seat of the car, while tears ran down his cheeks. His mother got into the car and started it off, driving away from the airport, and from his father.  
The first day of school, after Thanksgiving, Evan didn’t go to school because he was simply too tired after the trip. But the next day the boy forced himself to get up. Heidi accompanied him to school, since, even if his son didn’t want to admit it, taking the school bus would simply be too much for him.  
“Don't hesitate to call me if something happens.”  
Evan nodded, crestfallen, as he got out of the car. Something, deep inside him, held the hope that nothing would happen; that the day would pass normally; boring. Damn it, Evan was happy just keeping his father's face away from his mind.  
He just had to act normal. And of course, that was too much for Evan Hansen, and Jared immediately realized something was off. But to the boy's surprise, his friend didn’t push. Yes, of course, it was obvious that Evan's attitude made Jared uncomfortable, but at least the boy with glasses didn’t make him talk about it.  
After lunch, Evan really thought he could do it. He could survive that day. He was already thinking about his room full of books, his comics, his mother, and how relieved he would feel when he enters his house. It was, without a doubt, a consolation to think about that ... But as always, things couldn’t be so simple.  
During English, Evan was almost certain that that day would end without incidents. But then one of the idiots at his class threw him a ball of paper at his head. The boy could hear giggles behind him and didn’t dare to turn to face them. He just unfolded the piece of paper and saw its content. His heart stopped when he saw the drawing of a turkey... but with his face on it. Above the drawing it said "Fre-freak." A clear allusion to the stutter that Evan sometimes had, and to the way the turkeys sounded.  
Evan again made a ball with the paper and suppressed the crying.  
"You are raising a weak boy"  
“Is he crying? freak.”  
"You are raising a weak boy"  
Evan closed his eyes and tried to disappear. He knew that everyone in the class was watching him collapse. He just knew it. He was sure of that. All those eyes fixed on him. Thinking that watching him cry was the funniest thing of the day.  
“Evan? Are you okay?”  
"Weak, weak, weak, weak ..."  
Laughter increased in the boy’s head. He clenched his fists even tighter, struggling for control. Evan could feel his nails slowly embedding on his skin. But it didn’t hurt. No, that wasn’t his main concern. The boy was frightened by the growing lack of air in his lungs. Without air he could die. It was pure logic, right? Evan didn’t want to die. He tried to inhale with all his strength, while his ears were filled with evil laughter, and his eyes shed tears.  
“Evan, open your eyes please. Look at me.”  
That voice ... was his teacher. Oh, Evan really would have liked to open his eyes, just to please him. But he couldn’t do it. He feared that if he opened his eyes he would see the face of disappointment of his father, or the face of concern of his mother. No. Evan couldn’t open them. Not when the world was collapsing around him. When had everything escalated so fast? His worst nightmare had come true. A small trickle of blood was trickling down his right fist. Maybe it was that feeling that brought Evan back to reality.  
“Come one, Evan. We are almost there.”  
There? Where was there? Evan opened his eyes.  
His teacher was holding him by the arm, and dragging him to the infirmary. The corridors were deserted, and for a second Evan thought he was dreaming. But slowly he understood that this was really happening. His English teacher was taking him to the nurse.  
“Let me go, please.” Whined Evan, trying to get out of the grip.  
“Miss Carter, could you please help us?”  
His teacher ignored him completely, while they finally reached their destination. Evan tried to get away again, this time with more vehemence. He hated when people held him. The only one capable of holding him without causing any stress was his mother, and Evan still wasn’t sure why it was that way.  
“Is ok, go. I got this.”  
His teacher finally released him, and Evan entered the infirmary. His hand was sticky, and the boy was surprised to see blood on it. When had that happened? Blood. In his hand. There was blood on his hand. That wasn’t good. No. It wasn’t good at all. Why was there blood on his hand? Blood. Blood. Blood.  
“It's okay. It's just a bit of blood, dear. Let me clean it for you. Take a seat.” The nurse indicated, as she went to look for cotton and alcohol.  
Evan nodded and went to sit on one of the exam room tables, without taking his eyes off his hand. He couldn’t believe that he had hurt himself. But there it was the blood on his nails. Evan felt like a monster ... Jared could never find out about that.  
“It might burn a little. But it will only be for a few seconds ... you just concentrate on breathing Ok? Do it with me…. Inhale ... exhale ... inhale ... exhale.”  
Evan followed the instructions, wincing when the cotton touched his hand. Nurse Carter knew what she was doing. The beating of his heart began to slow down slowly ... But to be fair, Evan wasn’t at his worst moment. That had been at the classroom. Only his mom knew what to do when things got really bad; and even she sometimes seemed lost.  
“I'll call your mother. Is that okay?”  
No, of course it wasn’t okay. Evan didn’t want to bother his mom. She was busy, working. Earning money. He couldn’t distract her with these things ... But the boy nodded automatically.  
“Okay ... meanwhile. Do you want to see one of your friends?”  
"One of your friends" Only a friend, you mean. Evan only had one friend, and he really didn’t want to call him. Jared would freak out if he see him like this. Surely he would stop being his friend.  
“Jared ... Jared Kleinman.” Evan whispered, hating himself.  
The nurse nodded sympathetically. Ten minutes later the vice principal entered the infirmary followed by Jared. The boy with glasses looked terribly confused, and Evan felt horrible with himself for making him go through that situation.  
"I don’t feel good." It was the only thing he could think to say to Jared. It seemed almost like a plea for him not to keep asking questions, and miraculously it worked, because Jared started talking about comics and video games, as always. And in those moments, while he waited for his mother to arrive, Evan believed that everything could be fine. That could leave that horrendous day behind. Forget it and continue with his life as if it never happened. As if his classmates didn’t think he was a freak.  
When his mother arrived, however, Evan felt bad again. Relieved, but guilty. No matter how much his mother assured him that none of that was his fault, Evan couldn’t help but feel terrible. The fact that his mom had spoiled him as soon as they arrived at the house didn’t help either. Of course, Evan enjoyed staying in his bed all day, eating junk food and watching movies. But none of that made him forget what had happened a few hours ago.  
The next day Evan had to go back to school, but the boy was not able to get out of bed. Heidi asked for the day off at work, and Evan felt even worse with himself.  
"You don’t have to worry about that, love." His mother said stroking his hair.  
But Evan did worry, because worrying about every little thing that happened in his life was the only thing he seemed to be able to do right.  
"I don’t want ... I don’t want you to miss... Your, your boss is going to get mad, mom. "  
"My son is my priority."  
"It shouldn’t be like that ...Lo-look at dad ... I'm not his priority and he seems… he seems to have an amazing life."  
Evan's breathing started to shake again and Heidi wasted no time to hug him tightly. Since Evan had returned, things seemed to be going from bad to worse, and his psychologist didn’t rule out the possibility that if he continued getting worse, Evan would begin to suffer increasingly intense panic attacks. That's why the woman recommended them a psychiatrist, Dr. Sherman. She said that maybe it wasn’t necessary at the moment, but eventually it would be. However, Evan knew what that meant. "Drugs" "Pills". In other words: money. And money wasn’t something that grew on trees. His mother had to work all day to get it, and Evan didn’t want to be responsible for putting more weight on her shoulders.  
"I love so much. Not having you as a priority in my life is not even an option." Heidi whispered in his ear as she rocked back and forth, trying to calm her son, still curled up in her arms. Not long after, Evan fell asleep again.  
When he woke up, the first thing he saw was the time. It was 1 PM. The boy got out of bed, still in his pajamas and went down the stairs. His mother was there, watching television.  
"It's so late," Evan said, catching Heidi's attention. "Why did you let me sleep so much?"  
"You looked like you needed a good rest," replied his mother, smiling at him. "Are you hungry? I made hamburgers."  
Evan nodded fiercely without any embarrassment that he was going to lunch at one o'clock in the afternoon.  
"By the way," Heidi commented, getting up from the couch, heading to the kitchen. "Helen called. Jared is worried about you. Apparently you didn’t tell him about the trip. "  
"Oh no ... I forgot." Evan could not believe he had forgotten to tell Jared ... though on retrospective, he had never told Jared about his father. "He must be angry with me," Evan said to himself, imagining Jared's face.  
"I think he just wants to know you're fine ... Do you want me to invite him over, sweetie?"  
Evan was silent for a moment, just thinking. Did he want to see Jared? After all, he was feeling terrible, maybe it was not the best idea, it might be better to wait. Also, Jared would make fun of him for being weak, for being ...  
"Yes, please." Evan was shocked by his own words, but Heidi didn’t look at all surprised. His mother smiled and nodded.  
Evan tried not to think that Jared would come on Saturday to visit him. He wanted to forget what that implied. On one hand, he hated to think about what might happen. But in another ... he really missed his friend.  
Maybe that's why, when he saw Jared enter his room that Saturday, he wanted to cry and smile wildly at the same time.... But now came the worst part. The conversation.  
“The other day, at school. I freaked you out, didn’t I?”  
Why had he asked that? He felt stupid. Of course he freaked him out.  
“A little bit…”  
Yes, there it was. Jared hated him. He was just being nice. God, Evan hated that whole situation. Nothing could be as before. They were no longer friends, they were no longer ... Evan forced himself to breathe and count to ten. No. He couldn’t think like that. He glanced at Jared, who seemed worried about him.  
“Sorry for not calling for Thanksgiving.” Evan said quickly, trying to leave the uncomfortable moment behind.  
“My mom told me you were with your dad ... How come you never told me about him?”  
“You never asked.” He tried to defend himself, as if that answer excused him from not telling the whole story to his only friend.  
“Oh, come on, that's not fair.” Jared counterattack.  
Evan was silent for a moment, avoiding looking into Jared's eyes, but finally gave up.  
“What do you want to know?”  
“I don’t know ... What do you want to tell me?”  
Nothing? All? Evan took a deep breath. He was about to do the unthinkable. He was going to tell Jared everything. He knew he wasn’t obligated to do it ... but it was necessary. He needed to trust someone other than his mom.  
“My mom and he used to argue all the time.” Evan began to tell while fidgeting with the hem of his shirt unconsciously. “I remember ... I remember that he was never at time for dinner. He was so busy with... other stuff. We barely spent time together. But that was fine because it was my dad, and he made me laugh, and when I was scared at night he stayed with me until I fell asleep ... you know. Those kind of things.”  
“But…”  
“But one day he left home. Mom was so sad. She tried to hide it, but I could tell. I was so scared that she would go away too ... Anyway. My dad tried to stay in touch for the first few months. But then he moved to Colorado, and he never tried to talk to me again, until ... until last week ... It was ... it was ... it was horrible! He has a huge house and a new family. He replaced us. He doesn’t care for mom ... he doesn’t care for me. The only reason he wanted me to go was because his wife thought I should met my stepbrother… I hated it. All of it.”  
Evan could see tears forming on the sides of Jared's eyes. The boy was trying his best to hide it but it was too late.  
It wasn’t a weird thing, Evan hated it when it happen, but even so he had gotten used to the fact that every time Jared saw him cry, he couldn’t help but shed tears as well. And that only made Evan cry even harder. It was like "The contagious disease of crying," and it had started when they were nine, when Evan fell from a tree injuring his knee. He remembered that he had been so scared when he saw blood, but Jared? The kid was petrified. His face turned white as paper and after a second he began to shout for his mother. Meanwhile Evan had started crying and didn’t even try to hide it. It hurt like hell. What he would have never imagined was that Jared would sit next to him, his eyes full of terror and he would start to cry too, while trying to tell him that everything was going to be fine, and that he was just exaggerating. Evan didn’t even listen to him, all his attention was focused on the tears that fell down Jared's cheeks, and suddenly his own crying intensified. There was something about seeing Jared so vulnerable that it was simply heartbreaking.  
From that moment Evan tried not to cry in front of Jared because they both knew how it would end. Also, that was the reason why Jared was not looking at him in those moments.  
"Your father is ... oh, shit. You don’t want me to insult him, do you?  
“Not really.”  
“Okay ... but I'll tell you that saying that he's not a good person is not as satisfying as calling him a dick.”  
“Jared!” Evan laughed genuinely from what had seemed years. Jared imitated him. The room was filled with joy for a moment.  
“So that's why ... That's why you were acting so weird.” Jared whispered finally, when they had both calmed down. The smile faded from Evan's lips in the blink of an eye. “You know, my mom tried to explain to me. The anxiety stuff? I think I understand it now.”  
“Really?” Helen had told Jared about him. Evan wanted to disappear. What could she have told him? Jared probably thought he was crazy.  
“I think so ... But, is still pretty confusing. Like, what exactly do you feel?” Jared seemed excited to know more. As always, he was being blunt. Evan found himself envying that quality of Jared.  
“I just feel really, really bad.” Evan explained, but immediately realized that it was very little information, so he added. “It's like ... if I couldn’t breathe.”  
"You can’t breathe?" Jared's eyes opened behind his square glasses. He seemed horrified by Evan's words.  
“At least it feels that way.”  
“But ... if you don’t breathe you could ... you know ... die.” His friend answered, while with each word he pronounced his face became more and more somber.  
“I know!” Evan exclaimed, strangely happy that someone thought the same way he did. “It is scary. But apparently it's all in my mind. I just have to learn how to calm down.”  
“Learn how to calm down” Repeated Jared rolling his eyes. “Well, that sounds easier to say than to do it.”  
“Tell me about it.” Evan replied with a smile on his side.  
Both kids stayed there for a while, talking about the most random stuff in the world, and just having a nice time. Things seemed finally to be going well. Maybe, just maybe, Jared wasn’t going to hate him for being weird, and they could stay friends for many more years.  
At least that was what Evan thought.  
But then they went down the stairs.  
Their mothers were at the living room, drinking coffee. Both seemed worried, but when they saw their sons, the women tried to hide their humor, giving them a cheerful smile.  
“Look at our little boys, aren’t they handsome?” Heidi said, leaning her coffee cup on the table.  
“Yes, they are.” Helen replied imitating her friend. “Do you feel better Evan?”  
“Yes.” Evan forced himself to answer. It was true. He felt better ... but he could feel much better. Besides, talking about that with Helen was weird.  
“Great...” Responded the woman with what surely she thought it was a genuine smile. “Because I think we should talk about something. That involves both of you.”  
Evan and Jared exchanged glances. Where they in trouble? What was happening now?  
"Jared, now that you understand the situation a little better, I think you have to learn what to do in case Evan has an attack and no one else can help him.”  
Evan immediately shook his head with vehemence. He couldn’t do that to Jared. He couldn’t force him to ... to ... Helen, as always, was forcing Jared to take care of him. Evan couldn’t allow it. Jared was not his babysitter and he was not a baby. Besides, the mere thought that Jared could see him during one of his attacks horrified him.  
“Oh no. It is not necessary.”  
"It is." Helen contradicted him with a smile ... Evan began to understand why Jared got mad at his mother every time she smiled in that way. It made you feel stupid. “He is your friend, right?”  
“Right ...” Evan answered giving a quick sideways glance to Jared, who was overwhelmed by the situation. God, things could not be worse. Why did adults have to ruin everything? Evan sought comfort from his mother, but Heidi didn’t seem to be as disgusted to Helen's idea, as Evan was. Even so, when the woman's eyes met her son´s, she seemed to understand that she should say something.  
“Then you must do it. For Evan.” Said Helen.  
“I think it's not fair to put that kind of responsibility on them ... they're still just little kids...” Heidi commented, to Evan's relief. “But Jared, love. I'm going to ask you a favor. Just keep an eye on him. Alright? I would feel so much better knowing that Evan is with you.”  
Evan was still not satisfied with the request ... but without a doubt he liked the way his mother had expressed herself way more than Helen´s way.  
But the feeling of relief didn’t last long. All eyes were on Jared now, and Evan felt bad for his friend. He tried to let him know that it was okay to answer "no". Evan was not going to hate him. On the contrary, he would understand it perfectly. But it seemed that he still had some work to do on his psychic powers, because Jared looked like a ball of nerves about to explode. It was obvious that he didn’t want that kind of responsibility. Evan closed his eyes for a few seconds, ready to hear the “no”.  
However, the word that came out from Jared's trembling lips took him by surprise.  
“OK…”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks again guys.  
> I'm Probably gonna update in a couple of days.


End file.
